A month or so ago, I was struggling with anxiety and unwanted thoughts. I was scaring myself with things I knew wouldn't happen and things I knew I didn't really believe. Dr. F gave me a to do list and it has really helped me so I wanted to share it.
*Deal don't dwell: If it's a realistic fear, don't just sit there, get up and do something about what you are scaring yourself about.
*Look for the theme: If you are daydreaming about getting in a car accident, maybe the theme is control. What in your life feels out of control?
* Thought stopping doesn't work for obsessive thinking. There is a famous study called the "White Bear Study." Participants in the study were told to close their eyes and they were all given a bell. Then they were told, "Under NO circumstances are you to think of a white bear. If you do think of a white bear, you must ring the bell." Within seconds, the room filled with the sound of bells! From that study, behaviorists concluded that thought stopping does not always work. We find that to be so with obsessive thinking. Thinking, "Don't think of a white bear, " IS thinking of a white bear.
SOLUTION: Respond in the same way each time you become aware that you are obsessing.
1. Notice and accept the thought.
2. Call upon your relaxation response. Relax from head to toe.
3. Breathe. Inhale for two seconds, exhale for four.
4. Soothe your mind with three or four under-reactive, calm sentences.
Gently glide away from catastrophizing, negative, thoughts. The less attention you give to the thought, the sooner it leaves.
We are not our thoughts. Your thoughts do not represent who you are. What you think about is not as critical as what you tell yourself about what you think.
.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
That's what SHE said...
In the past, my eating disorder has been male. It has actually been a rather inanimate object. Dr. F sometimes had me 'look' @ my eating disorder, and I always imagined the same image-- a black, metallic box. That was it. It surprised even me. This box though, held an ugliness that surrounded it. It also held something that intrigued me. It didn't have any extremities, no facial features, it was utterly dimensionless. It had a brain though. It spoke to me through thoughts alone.
My Eating Disorder has changed with this current relapse. I don't know why, or how. It has miraculously changed genders! (well... I guess it's not that miraculous these days! Seems like anyone can change genders.. NO BIGGIE!) So, my ED is now a SHE. SHE represents Anorexia-- in my mind. She is tall-- like REALLY, REALLY tall. She wears the same thing ALL.THE.TIME. She wears a blood red dress. It is sleeveless and has a deep V-neck, the straps hang off of her bony shoulders. The dress is long, almost touching the floor- yet it has a slit, that goes way past her mid-thigh, revealing her long, bony legs. She wears blood red high heels, so high that it jacks up the way she walks, the toe on the shoe is closed and so pointed that they appear dangerous. Her arms are long, too long, gawky looking. Her fingers are long too, long and thin and at the end of her fingers are her ridiculously long and pointed fingernails-- painted blood red, of course. Her face is long, her cheeks rigidly defined, her chin and cheek bones chiseled. Her eyes are small, squinted, traced in thick black. Her lips, small, thin and blood red. Her hair is jet black, slick back tightly in a high bun. When she talks to me, she uses her fingers to emphasis her point, and her fingers are disgusting. I hate long fingernails, let alone bright red, pointed ones. She doesn't smile in a joyful way, she smiles in a taunting way, a sarcastic, mocking way. Her voice changes depending on my actions. She usually speaks to me in a soft, yet shrill, whisper. However, if I ignore her, she raises her voice, and it turns into a high pitched screeching noise that I just want to stop as soon as it starts. Sometimes, her voice is coaxing--or even complimentary.
SHE... is what Anorexia looks like, sounds like, behaves like in my mind.
So... the other day, Husband and I had just come home. I went to the cupboard and got out a package of semi sweet chocolate chips (BECAUSE I LOVE THEM) and.... I started eating them. Husband was making himself some hearty breakfast like he loves. As he was making his breakfast, I sat on the counter- talking to him- while I ate my choc. chips. He kept looking at me, at least that's what SHE (ANOREXIA) kept telling me.
"He is watching you..." She told me, "He is disgusted because you are eating chocolate. He is worried that you are going to get fat or obese. He thinks you are weak and out of control. He wishes you would stop eating right now because he likes you better when you are skinny and when you are in control of your life..." SHE continued to tell me what HE.. my husband... was saying to himself about me. She was suddenly a freaking PSYCHIC! She was reading Husband's mind!! SHE does this to me ALL the time, by the way. She tells me stories about what people are thinking about me almost anywhere I go. It's amazing how many people are noticing me-- according to HER. According to Anorexia, everywhere I go, people notice every flaw that I have, people are disgusted when I eat because they don't understand why someone so fat would be eating in the first place, 'GET CONTROL', the people think.
This day though, as I sat on the counter, listening to her TELL ME Husband's thoughts, I decided to actually ASK HUSBAND if he was, in fact, thinking the things that SHE was telling me he was thinking. She was not happy about this decision of mine. She wanted me to simply put the bag of choc. chips away, and walk out of the kitchen. I didn't.
"My eating disorder is telling me that you are disgusted because I am eating chocolate chips" I began, "And... you are looking at me, watching me eat them, and thinking that I am getting fatter and fatter and you think that makes me weak and out of control in every aspect of my life. You want me to get self control back and to quit eating....."
Husband continued to scramble his eggs, while he listened to the nasty story that Anorexia had told me. He didn't get angry at me. He didn't make fun of me or tell me that I sound crazy or ridiculous-- because he knows too much about the reality of this illness. He knows HER, and he HATES HER for the stories she tells me, for the lies she construes. Husband listened, and then, he told me the TRUE story.. what he was REALLY thinking while I was sitting on the counter eating chocolate chips. In fact, what he was thinking, really had nothing to do with me, or my size, or chocolate chips at all! What he was thinking had EVERTHING to do with our conversation and the fact that he was PRESENT in the discussion we were having about a serious problem his brother is having. AMAZING, HUH?? In fact, he hadn't even noticed that I was eating chocolate chips!! He then told me that when he sees me eat, he sees quite the opposite than what Anorexia tells me he sees. He told me that when I eat, he sees my STRENGTH, my WILL to live, my COURAGE to fight this bitch of an illness.
HA!!
SHE, in the red, was caught RED HANDED as a DIRTY little LIAR.
I hate her.
&... I am beating her... one dirty little lie at a time.
My Eating Disorder has changed with this current relapse. I don't know why, or how. It has miraculously changed genders! (well... I guess it's not that miraculous these days! Seems like anyone can change genders.. NO BIGGIE!) So, my ED is now a SHE. SHE represents Anorexia-- in my mind. She is tall-- like REALLY, REALLY tall. She wears the same thing ALL.THE.TIME. She wears a blood red dress. It is sleeveless and has a deep V-neck, the straps hang off of her bony shoulders. The dress is long, almost touching the floor- yet it has a slit, that goes way past her mid-thigh, revealing her long, bony legs. She wears blood red high heels, so high that it jacks up the way she walks, the toe on the shoe is closed and so pointed that they appear dangerous. Her arms are long, too long, gawky looking. Her fingers are long too, long and thin and at the end of her fingers are her ridiculously long and pointed fingernails-- painted blood red, of course. Her face is long, her cheeks rigidly defined, her chin and cheek bones chiseled. Her eyes are small, squinted, traced in thick black. Her lips, small, thin and blood red. Her hair is jet black, slick back tightly in a high bun. When she talks to me, she uses her fingers to emphasis her point, and her fingers are disgusting. I hate long fingernails, let alone bright red, pointed ones. She doesn't smile in a joyful way, she smiles in a taunting way, a sarcastic, mocking way. Her voice changes depending on my actions. She usually speaks to me in a soft, yet shrill, whisper. However, if I ignore her, she raises her voice, and it turns into a high pitched screeching noise that I just want to stop as soon as it starts. Sometimes, her voice is coaxing--or even complimentary.
SHE... is what Anorexia looks like, sounds like, behaves like in my mind.
So... the other day, Husband and I had just come home. I went to the cupboard and got out a package of semi sweet chocolate chips (BECAUSE I LOVE THEM) and.... I started eating them. Husband was making himself some hearty breakfast like he loves. As he was making his breakfast, I sat on the counter- talking to him- while I ate my choc. chips. He kept looking at me, at least that's what SHE (ANOREXIA) kept telling me.
"He is watching you..." She told me, "He is disgusted because you are eating chocolate. He is worried that you are going to get fat or obese. He thinks you are weak and out of control. He wishes you would stop eating right now because he likes you better when you are skinny and when you are in control of your life..." SHE continued to tell me what HE.. my husband... was saying to himself about me. She was suddenly a freaking PSYCHIC! She was reading Husband's mind!! SHE does this to me ALL the time, by the way. She tells me stories about what people are thinking about me almost anywhere I go. It's amazing how many people are noticing me-- according to HER. According to Anorexia, everywhere I go, people notice every flaw that I have, people are disgusted when I eat because they don't understand why someone so fat would be eating in the first place, 'GET CONTROL', the people think.
This day though, as I sat on the counter, listening to her TELL ME Husband's thoughts, I decided to actually ASK HUSBAND if he was, in fact, thinking the things that SHE was telling me he was thinking. She was not happy about this decision of mine. She wanted me to simply put the bag of choc. chips away, and walk out of the kitchen. I didn't.
"My eating disorder is telling me that you are disgusted because I am eating chocolate chips" I began, "And... you are looking at me, watching me eat them, and thinking that I am getting fatter and fatter and you think that makes me weak and out of control in every aspect of my life. You want me to get self control back and to quit eating....."
Husband continued to scramble his eggs, while he listened to the nasty story that Anorexia had told me. He didn't get angry at me. He didn't make fun of me or tell me that I sound crazy or ridiculous-- because he knows too much about the reality of this illness. He knows HER, and he HATES HER for the stories she tells me, for the lies she construes. Husband listened, and then, he told me the TRUE story.. what he was REALLY thinking while I was sitting on the counter eating chocolate chips. In fact, what he was thinking, really had nothing to do with me, or my size, or chocolate chips at all! What he was thinking had EVERTHING to do with our conversation and the fact that he was PRESENT in the discussion we were having about a serious problem his brother is having. AMAZING, HUH?? In fact, he hadn't even noticed that I was eating chocolate chips!! He then told me that when he sees me eat, he sees quite the opposite than what Anorexia tells me he sees. He told me that when I eat, he sees my STRENGTH, my WILL to live, my COURAGE to fight this bitch of an illness.
HA!!
SHE, in the red, was caught RED HANDED as a DIRTY little LIAR.
I hate her.
&... I am beating her... one dirty little lie at a time.
xx: GraYce
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Ups
It's weird how anxiety and obsessiveness comes and goes and thank goodness it does. When I first started to experience the terrible anxiety, I didn't know what to do and I obviously wasn't doing any "work" to help it subside. Then after I learned some skills to retrain my thinking I had about 2 years where it didn't really affect me much, I thought I was "over it". Unfortunately, it came back, and when it comes back, I'm always afraid it's here to stay, but the truth is it comes and goes. That gives me a lot of hope. Knowing that the times when I feel like my anxiety is really bad, I can remember that "this too shall pass". Hopefully as I get more and more skilled at talking back to my thoughts, I will experience it less and less or be more prepared to feel it and face it and get on with my life.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Obsessive, Scary Thoughts
My anxiety has taken the form of obsessive scary thoughts. At first, I was convinced I was a bad, crazy person, but through the help of Dr. F I've realized it's only anxiety. It took me a while to really believe that, I thought somehow I was the exception. But I am trusting Dr. F, that I'm not crazy and I'm not evil, I just have anxiety.
My husband has been out of town for over a week now, and while he's been gone my obsessive throughs have gotten worse. There are some days, when my thoughts don't even bother me, but other days, it feels like my mind is running on overdrive and my thoughts become really scary. I had an appointment with Dr. F on Friday and she gave me some great info about obsessive thoughts that I wanted to share.
*Obsessive, scary thoughts are a distraction
*The real concern behind over-reactive illogical thoughts must be determined.
* We must learn, through practice, to defuse the power of your obsessive thoughts.
*We must cultivate the insight to use logic and humor while restructuring scary, obsessive thoughts.
*Use "pause" rather than "stop" when dealing with obsessive thinking
*Thoughts are not necessarily facts
*We are not our thoughts
* Find the themes in your obsessive thoughts and address them
It was an eye opener for me to see that obsessive thoughts are a distraction. For a long time now I've been an avoider of pain or conflict. I hate both of them. But, guess what! They are both a part of life and I've got to learn how to better deal with the problems in life. It's important for me to remember that if my obsessive thoughts get worse, I need to stop and think, "What is going on in my life that I'm trying to avoid or distract myself from?" I realize that I don't have a lot of problems in my life right now. I have a wonderful husband, who I love more than anything, great family, great friends, great job, the list goes on... But that doesn't mean that little things don't creep up. I'm learning to have realistic expectations for myself and not try to control everything. I'm learning to live in the moment, and that is sooooo hard for me to do. Maybe I should take up yoga?!? I'm learning that my anxiety comes and goes and I'm building the skills to better deal with it. I refuse to let it ruin or control my life, so I live as if I don't have a problem. But, I also don't want to completely ignore it, because that makes it all worse. I'm just going to keep living day by day, learning, growing, and progressing.
-----JADE------
My husband has been out of town for over a week now, and while he's been gone my obsessive throughs have gotten worse. There are some days, when my thoughts don't even bother me, but other days, it feels like my mind is running on overdrive and my thoughts become really scary. I had an appointment with Dr. F on Friday and she gave me some great info about obsessive thoughts that I wanted to share.
*Obsessive, scary thoughts are a distraction
*The real concern behind over-reactive illogical thoughts must be determined.
* We must learn, through practice, to defuse the power of your obsessive thoughts.
*We must cultivate the insight to use logic and humor while restructuring scary, obsessive thoughts.
*Use "pause" rather than "stop" when dealing with obsessive thinking
*Thoughts are not necessarily facts
*We are not our thoughts
* Find the themes in your obsessive thoughts and address them
It was an eye opener for me to see that obsessive thoughts are a distraction. For a long time now I've been an avoider of pain or conflict. I hate both of them. But, guess what! They are both a part of life and I've got to learn how to better deal with the problems in life. It's important for me to remember that if my obsessive thoughts get worse, I need to stop and think, "What is going on in my life that I'm trying to avoid or distract myself from?" I realize that I don't have a lot of problems in my life right now. I have a wonderful husband, who I love more than anything, great family, great friends, great job, the list goes on... But that doesn't mean that little things don't creep up. I'm learning to have realistic expectations for myself and not try to control everything. I'm learning to live in the moment, and that is sooooo hard for me to do. Maybe I should take up yoga?!? I'm learning that my anxiety comes and goes and I'm building the skills to better deal with it. I refuse to let it ruin or control my life, so I live as if I don't have a problem. But, I also don't want to completely ignore it, because that makes it all worse. I'm just going to keep living day by day, learning, growing, and progressing.
-----JADE------
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Strength in Others
I believe that you can find much needed strength in others. I have been blessed with a select few people in my life that I would consider my "rocks". When I am having one of my "freaking out" moments, I can call these people and they bring me back down to Earth.
I have struggled with the question, "How much do I share?" When I first began having these unwanted, scary thoughts, I kept it all inside. They were so foreign and scary to me that I was ashamed I was having them. I tried distracting myself whenever possible, and telling myself they would eventually go away.
Finally, after about a year, I couldn't take it anymore and broke down, telling my mom everything I was struggling so desperately with. That was the first step I made toward my healing. When I opened up to my mom I realized I wasn't crazy and I just needed some help. It was so freeing and felt like a big mask had been taken off, to finally let it all out.
I have been blessed with an amazingly understanding mother, who has always believed in me and I've never doubted that she's my biggest fan. Through going to therapy and being more open with a few people, I have learned that I am not alone!! I'm not the only one who has had some crazy ass thoughts!! That was great news because for a long time I was convinced that there was no one else in the world that struggled the way I did. If I would have never reached out to others who knows where I would be now. I hope now, that I can help others know that they are not alone and there is strength to be found in others.
---JADE---
I have struggled with the question, "How much do I share?" When I first began having these unwanted, scary thoughts, I kept it all inside. They were so foreign and scary to me that I was ashamed I was having them. I tried distracting myself whenever possible, and telling myself they would eventually go away.
Finally, after about a year, I couldn't take it anymore and broke down, telling my mom everything I was struggling so desperately with. That was the first step I made toward my healing. When I opened up to my mom I realized I wasn't crazy and I just needed some help. It was so freeing and felt like a big mask had been taken off, to finally let it all out.
I have been blessed with an amazingly understanding mother, who has always believed in me and I've never doubted that she's my biggest fan. Through going to therapy and being more open with a few people, I have learned that I am not alone!! I'm not the only one who has had some crazy ass thoughts!! That was great news because for a long time I was convinced that there was no one else in the world that struggled the way I did. If I would have never reached out to others who knows where I would be now. I hope now, that I can help others know that they are not alone and there is strength to be found in others.
---JADE---
Monday, September 13, 2010
Harsh
Last night as I was trying to fall asleep I kept thinking about my blog post about failure. I decided that failure is way too harsh of a word. It seems like black and white thinking, which is what I'm trying to get away from. I realized that even if I'm not perfect, it doesn't automatically mean that I'm a failure or that I've failed. It means I'm human and I'm learning everyday. Without that, life would be pretty boring and there would be no point. It's called being easier on yourself... I'm learning that every day.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Learning to Fail....
Ugh.... just reading that sentence makes me a little nervous. Who wants to fail at anything?? I'm sure no one wants to, but seeing that we are HUMAN, failing is inevitable. In my mind the opposite of perfection is failure, which is why it's so hard to except the fact that I will fail at certain things in my life.
I just got married and I've noticed that my perfectionism has increased. I want to be the perfect wife, but what does that even mean? I want my husband to be completely satisfied and happy with our marriage. If we even get in a little argument, it really affects me and I usually blame it on myself. I'm learning that even if he has a bad day it's NOT my fault. If he's unhappy about something, it doesn't always have to do with me. Also, I need to remember that if we do get into a disagreement, he still loves me and he's not going to be miserable because of it. I need to apply my feelings for him to myself. Because I have never wished that I wouldn't have married him, quite the opposite, there is not a day that goes by that I am not completely grateful that I have found my soulmate to go through life with. I am thankful that I have a man that loves me and has chosen me to be his wife forever. I need to trust that even though I'm not perfect I'm still the girl he would chose over and over.
Dr. F gave me some great insights as to why failure can actually be a good thing...
* It gives you a new perspective on yourself and everything else you can do. Falling and picking yourself up to find that the world hasn't ended can be liberating!
* If gives you the freedom and motivation to strike our in still more and more untried directions.
* If gives you a better understanding of others. Whenever you try something outside your own realm, you can't help looking differently at people who know things you don't know and can do things you can't do.
* It gives you permission to do less than your best at something else- and something else after that.
* It teaches you that there are degrees of accomplishment- that it's not an all-or-nothing proposition. You don't have to be the best to learn something and have fun.
* It teaches you that not succeeding can be normal, necessary, even desirable.
------JADE-------
I just got married and I've noticed that my perfectionism has increased. I want to be the perfect wife, but what does that even mean? I want my husband to be completely satisfied and happy with our marriage. If we even get in a little argument, it really affects me and I usually blame it on myself. I'm learning that even if he has a bad day it's NOT my fault. If he's unhappy about something, it doesn't always have to do with me. Also, I need to remember that if we do get into a disagreement, he still loves me and he's not going to be miserable because of it. I need to apply my feelings for him to myself. Because I have never wished that I wouldn't have married him, quite the opposite, there is not a day that goes by that I am not completely grateful that I have found my soulmate to go through life with. I am thankful that I have a man that loves me and has chosen me to be his wife forever. I need to trust that even though I'm not perfect I'm still the girl he would chose over and over.
Dr. F gave me some great insights as to why failure can actually be a good thing...
* It gives you a new perspective on yourself and everything else you can do. Falling and picking yourself up to find that the world hasn't ended can be liberating!
* If gives you the freedom and motivation to strike our in still more and more untried directions.
* If gives you a better understanding of others. Whenever you try something outside your own realm, you can't help looking differently at people who know things you don't know and can do things you can't do.
* It gives you permission to do less than your best at something else- and something else after that.
* It teaches you that there are degrees of accomplishment- that it's not an all-or-nothing proposition. You don't have to be the best to learn something and have fun.
* It teaches you that not succeeding can be normal, necessary, even desirable.
------JADE-------
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