That's what SHE said...

In the past, my eating disorder has been male. It has actually been a rather inanimate object. Dr. F sometimes had me 'look' @ my eating disorder, and I always imagined the same image-- a black, metallic box. That was it. It surprised even me. This box though, held an ugliness that surrounded it. It also held something that intrigued me. It didn't have any extremities, no facial features, it was utterly dimensionless. It had a brain though. It spoke to me through thoughts alone.

My Eating Disorder has changed with this current relapse. I don't know why, or how. It has miraculously changed genders! (well... I guess it's not that miraculous these days! Seems like anyone can change genders.. NO BIGGIE!) So, my ED is now a SHE. SHE represents Anorexia-- in my mind. She is tall-- like REALLY, REALLY tall. She wears the same thing ALL.THE.TIME. She wears a blood red dress. It is sleeveless and has a deep V-neck, the straps hang off of her bony shoulders. The dress is long, almost touching the floor- yet it has a slit, that goes way past her mid-thigh, revealing her long, bony legs. She wears blood red high heels, so high that it jacks up the way she walks, the toe on the shoe is closed and so pointed that they appear dangerous. Her arms are long, too long, gawky looking. Her fingers are long too, long and thin and at the end of her fingers are her ridiculously long and pointed fingernails-- painted blood red, of course. Her face is long, her cheeks rigidly defined, her chin and cheek bones chiseled. Her eyes are small, squinted, traced in thick black. Her lips, small, thin and blood red. Her hair is jet black, slick back tightly in a high bun. When she talks to me, she uses her fingers to emphasis her point, and her fingers are disgusting. I hate long fingernails, let alone bright red, pointed ones. She doesn't smile in a joyful way, she smiles in a taunting way, a sarcastic, mocking way. Her voice changes depending on my actions. She usually speaks to me in a soft, yet shrill, whisper. However, if I ignore her, she raises her voice, and it turns into a high pitched screeching noise that I just want to stop as soon as it starts. Sometimes, her voice is coaxing--or even complimentary.
SHE... is what Anorexia looks like, sounds like, behaves like in my mind.

So... the other day, Husband and I had just come home. I went to the cupboard and got out a package of semi sweet chocolate chips (BECAUSE I LOVE THEM) and.... I started eating them. Husband was making himself some hearty breakfast like he loves. As he was making his breakfast, I sat on the counter- talking to him- while I ate my choc. chips. He kept looking at me, at least that's what SHE (ANOREXIA) kept telling me.

"He is watching you..." She told me, "He is disgusted because you are eating chocolate. He is worried that you are going to get fat or obese. He thinks you are weak and out of control. He wishes you would stop eating right now because he likes you better when you are skinny and when you are in control of your life..." SHE continued to tell me what HE.. my husband... was saying to himself about me. She was suddenly a freaking PSYCHIC! She was reading Husband's mind!! SHE does this to me ALL the time, by the way. She tells me stories about what people are thinking about me almost anywhere I go. It's amazing how many people are noticing me-- according to HER. According to Anorexia, everywhere I go, people notice every flaw that I have, people are disgusted when I eat because they don't understand why someone so fat would be eating in the first place, 'GET CONTROL', the people think.

This day though, as I sat on the counter, listening to her TELL ME Husband's thoughts, I decided to actually ASK HUSBAND if he was, in fact, thinking the things that SHE was telling me he was thinking. She was not happy about this decision of mine. She wanted me to simply put the bag of choc. chips away, and walk out of the kitchen. I didn't.

"My eating disorder is telling me that you are disgusted because I am eating chocolate chips" I began, "And... you are looking at me, watching me eat them, and thinking that I am getting fatter and fatter and you think that makes me weak and out of control in every aspect of my life. You want me to get self control back and to quit eating....."

Husband continued to scramble his eggs, while he listened to the nasty story that Anorexia had told me. He didn't get angry at me. He didn't make fun of me or tell me that I sound crazy or ridiculous-- because he knows too much about the reality of this illness. He knows HER, and he HATES HER for the stories she tells me, for the lies she construes. Husband listened, and then, he told me the TRUE story.. what he was REALLY thinking while I was sitting on the counter eating chocolate chips. In fact, what he was thinking, really had nothing to do with me, or my size, or chocolate chips at all! What he was thinking had EVERTHING to do with our conversation and the fact that he was PRESENT in the discussion we were having about a serious problem his brother is having. AMAZING, HUH?? In fact, he hadn't even noticed that I was eating chocolate chips!! He then told me that when he sees me eat, he sees quite the opposite than what Anorexia tells me he sees. He told me that when I eat, he sees my STRENGTH, my WILL to live, my COURAGE to fight this bitch of an illness.

HA!!
SHE, in the red, was caught RED HANDED as a DIRTY little LIAR.
I hate her.
&... I am beating her... one dirty little lie at a time.

xx: GraYce

Ups

It's weird how anxiety and obsessiveness comes and goes and thank goodness it does. When I first started to experience the terrible anxiety, I didn't know what to do and I obviously wasn't doing any "work" to help it subside.  Then after I learned some skills to retrain my thinking I had about 2 years where it didn't really affect me much, I thought I was "over it". Unfortunately, it came back, and when it comes back, I'm always afraid it's here to stay, but the truth is it comes and goes.  That gives me a lot of hope.  Knowing that the times when I feel like my anxiety is really bad, I can remember that "this too shall pass".  Hopefully as I get more and more skilled at talking back to my thoughts, I will experience it less and less or be more prepared to feel it and face it and get on with my life.

Obsessive, Scary Thoughts

My anxiety has taken the form of obsessive scary thoughts.  At first, I was convinced I was a bad, crazy person, but through the help of Dr. F I've realized it's only anxiety.  It took me a while to really believe that, I thought somehow I was the exception.  But I am trusting Dr. F, that I'm not crazy and I'm not evil, I just have anxiety.
My husband has been out of town for over a week now, and while he's been gone my obsessive throughs have gotten worse.  There are some days, when my thoughts don't even bother me, but other days, it feels like my mind is running on overdrive and my thoughts become really scary.  I had an appointment with Dr. F on Friday and she gave me some great info about obsessive thoughts that I wanted to share.

*Obsessive, scary thoughts are a distraction

*The real concern behind over-reactive illogical thoughts must be determined.

* We must learn, through practice, to defuse the power of your obsessive thoughts.

*We must cultivate the insight to use logic and humor while restructuring scary, obsessive thoughts.

*Use "pause" rather than "stop" when dealing with obsessive thinking

*Thoughts are not necessarily facts

*We are not our thoughts

* Find the themes in your obsessive thoughts and address them

It was an eye opener for me to see that obsessive thoughts are a distraction.  For a long time now I've been an avoider of pain or conflict.  I hate both of them.  But, guess what!  They are both a part of life and I've got to learn how to better deal with the problems in life. It's important for me to remember that if my obsessive thoughts get worse, I need to stop and think, "What is going on in my life that I'm trying to avoid or distract myself from?"  I realize that I don't have a lot of problems in my life right now.  I have a wonderful husband, who I love more than anything, great family, great friends, great job, the list goes on...  But that doesn't mean that little things don't creep up.  I'm learning to have realistic expectations for myself and not try to control everything.  I'm learning to live in the moment, and that is sooooo hard for me to do.  Maybe I should take up yoga?!?  I'm learning that my anxiety comes and goes and I'm building the skills to better deal with it.  I refuse to let it ruin or control my life, so I live as if I don't have a problem.  But, I also don't want to completely ignore it, because that makes it all worse.  I'm just going to keep living day by day, learning, growing, and progressing.

-----JADE------

Strength in Others

I believe that you can find much needed strength in others.  I have been blessed with a select few people in my life that I would consider my "rocks".  When I am having one of my "freaking out" moments, I can call these people and they bring me back down to Earth.

 I have struggled with the question, "How much do I share?" When I first began having these unwanted, scary thoughts, I kept it all inside. They were so foreign and scary to me that I was ashamed I was having them.  I tried distracting myself whenever possible, and telling myself they would eventually go away.

 Finally, after about a year, I couldn't take it anymore and broke down, telling my mom everything I was struggling so desperately with.  That was the first step I made toward my healing.  When I opened up to my mom I realized I wasn't crazy and I just needed some help.  It was so freeing and felt like a big mask had been taken off, to finally let it all out.

 I have been blessed with an amazingly understanding mother, who has always believed in me and I've never doubted that she's my biggest fan.  Through going to therapy and being more open with a few people, I have learned that I am not alone!!  I'm not the only one who has had some crazy ass thoughts!!  That was great news because for a long time I was convinced that there was no one else in the world that struggled the way I did.  If I would have never reached out to others who knows where I would be now.  I hope now, that I can help others know that they are not alone and there is strength to be found in others.

---JADE---

Harsh

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep I kept thinking about my blog post about failure.  I decided that failure is way too harsh of a word.  It seems like black and white thinking, which is what I'm trying to get away from.  I realized that even if I'm not perfect, it doesn't automatically mean that I'm a failure or that I've failed.  It means I'm human and I'm learning everyday.  Without that, life would be pretty boring and there would be no point.  It's called being easier on yourself...  I'm learning that every day.

Learning to Fail....

Ugh.... just reading that sentence makes me a little nervous.  Who wants to fail at anything??  I'm sure no one wants to, but seeing that we are HUMAN, failing is inevitable.  In my mind the opposite of perfection is failure, which is why it's so hard to except the fact that I will fail at certain things in my life.
I just got married and I've noticed that my perfectionism has increased.  I want to be the perfect wife, but what does that even mean?  I want my husband to be completely satisfied and happy with our marriage.  If we even get in a little argument, it really affects me and I usually blame it on myself.  I'm learning that even if he has a bad day it's NOT my fault.  If he's unhappy about something, it doesn't always have to do with me.  Also, I need to remember that if we do get into a disagreement, he still loves me and he's not going to be miserable because of it.  I need to apply my feelings for him to myself.  Because I have never wished that I wouldn't have married him, quite the opposite, there is not a day that goes by that I am not completely grateful that I have found my soulmate to go through life with.  I am thankful that I have a man that loves me and has chosen me to be his wife forever.  I need to trust that even though I'm not perfect I'm still the girl he would chose over and over.


Dr. F gave me some great insights as to why failure can actually be a good thing...


* It gives you a new perspective on yourself and everything else you can do.  Falling and picking yourself up to find that the world hasn't ended can be liberating!


* If gives you the freedom and motivation to strike our in still more and more untried directions.


* If gives you a better understanding of others.  Whenever you try something outside your own realm, you can't help looking differently at people who know things you don't know and can do things you can't do.


* It gives you permission to do less than your best at something else- and something else after that.


* It teaches you that there are degrees of accomplishment- that it's not an all-or-nothing proposition.  You don't have to be the best to learn something and have fun.


* It teaches you that not succeeding can be normal, necessary, even desirable.


------JADE-------

MY RUT.

When Husband & I first got married- over four years ago- I was on top of my game. I had just graduated from college, I had a kick ass job as a sex crime investigator, I was living ED-FREE, I was healthy and happy. I see why he loved me THEN... I was independent, determined, feisty, confident, etc. I was rocking at life.

And then.... my life sort of.... well... spun out of from under me. It's been a year, yesterday, since I moved to my new State. A year since I've been employed. A year since panic disorder took over my life. It's been a rough year- but I don't want to keep coining it a 'bad' year because it's not 'bad', it's life and shit happens.

This year, I have had a different theme- a different focus than ever before. I was FORCED to slow myself down- to find myself again in my most simple form. Some days, all I could do was sit outside and play fetch with my black lab. At first, I felt totally worthless, meaningless, like I was wasting my mortality. With the help of Dr. F and her amazing perspective, I began to value my down time. I began to value the simple beauties in life, the things that I had become too busy to even notice. I also had to learn to love myself INTERNALLY. I no longer had my work achievements to make me feel good or proud, I didn't have my athletic abilities to excel at because I wasn't allowed to exercise. It seemed that all the areas that fed my self esteem were stripped away from me. Dr. F had me dig, and I mean DIG, inside myself to find the INTERNAL things, the lasting things, that I truly LOVE about myself and that make me proud to be me.

Husband and I have this cheesy little thing we do. Whenever he tells me, "I LOVE YOU..." I ask him, "WHY?"He then proceeds to tell me WHY he loves me that day. It's been a different reason, every time I ask, for over four years. Back in January 2010, Husband and I were having dinner together at one of my favorite restaurants.

"I love you." The words slid out of his mouth so naturally, so easily.

Are they habitual?? Before... I felt worthy hearing those words from him. I was proud to be the recipient.

He squeezed another lime into his water, making circular motions with his black straw. He had one eye on me, and one eye on the basketball game playing on the big screen TV.

His words: "I LOVE YOU...." echo repeatedly in my brain. I take a bite of my BBQ chicken salad. I chew. And, I revisit, again, his words: "I LOVE YOU".

I stare at him from across the booth. His brown eyes are framed with ridiculously long, curly eyelashes. (So long, that when he was little, they would get 'tangled', so he would cut them craft scissors. TANGLED? Seriously?? Who's eyelashes tangle?? ha!) He wears thickly rimmed black glasses- they make him look sophisticated. His hair is shaved off and he looks sexy that way. I love his face- the shape, his features, his teeth, his smile... all of it. Through his sweater, I can see his muscular chest, back and arms- but he doesn't think twice about those things- which I love. When he moves, the air picks up his cologne and even still, when I smell it, I get butterflies. I sat, taking him in, all of him... as his words, "I love you" continue to echo through me. I know why he loved me THEN.. because I matched his perfection. I stopped chewing, and pointed my fork at him as I asked him, "WHY?" He lifts his eyebrows as if to ask, "Why what....?" So, I ask again, more specified this time, "WHY... do you love me, RIGHT NOW?"

He looks me in the eyes, his hand fits over mine. He smiles, and he says, "I love you right now... because you're in a rut. You always find a way to get out of your ruts and you always come out on top."
I am quiet, because that isn't the answer I wanted to hear. But, it's the truth. And... the best part is, it's okay. He smiled at me again, as he shoved a piece of a pizza in his mouth. Normally, it would be disgusting, but when he eats sloppily, it's adorable, and oddly, attractive. He senses the reason for my silence, and he goes on,

"What I love most right now Grayce, is that you're in a rut and I'm more in love with you than ever."

He and I then began, together, to name the good qualities that I still possess even though I am in a "rut".

"Being in a rut is not a bad thing..." he continues. And, as he continues, I can't help but smile from the outside - in because he is my team, the one I get to do life with. Instantly, I know I'm worthy of his "I love yous.." regardless if I gleaming in 'perfection' or stuck in a 'rut.'

xx: Grayce

Dance with Life

One of the best books I've ever read is called End the Struggle and Dance With Life by Susan Jeffers.  How many times do we try to fight what is.  We try to stop, change, ignore, deny the things that are going on in our life.  This book opened my eyes to another way of thinking.

I loved this quote so much I put it on a 3x5 card and stuck it to my mirror.  It helped me to have these words in my mind throughout the day.

"It's all happening perfectly.  Whatever happens in my life, I'll handle it.  I'll learn from it.  I'll make it a triumph!"

"While none of us understands the grand design, we can commit to using all our experiences, good or bad, as the building blocks of a powerful and loving life.  Then it is indeed, all happening perfectly!!"

"Let go and stop hanging on to the way it is "supposed" to be.  The only thing we can effectively control is our reactions to whatever life hands us."

I like to say that I'm a recovering perfectionist.  These quotes helped me so much when I was learning about the anxiety it caused me to have a  constant "perfect" expectation for myself and my life.  It was so stressful and exhausting to continually try to make myself perfect.  I finally gave it up and realized I will never be perfect and who the hell cares if my car isn't perfectly clean??  What difference does it make in the grand scheme of life whether my bed is made or not?!  No, I'm not a slob, but I do not let myself get bent out of shape if things aren't "perfect".  It's too exhausting and I'm learning to be nicer to myself and forgive myself if things aren't in complete order.  I had to fight that because I used to be a freak about my drawers always being organized, my hangers in order, ect... but I've let it go and I feel so free!!!

----JADE-----

IMPERFECTION

"IMPERFECTION IS BEAUTY, MADNESS IS GENIUS & IT'S BETTER TO BE ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS THAN ABSOLUTELY BORING."

-MARILYN MONROE

Last night, a 6 year old painted my toenails.

I watched her little fingers, wobbly and desperate to stay within my toenail lines.

I also watched Fuchsia Pink polish spread all over the skin between my toes.

I watched as she only painted half the nail on some of the toes.

I was cringing inside, thinking: "Man! I can't wait to take this off and do it 'right'..."

"THERE YOU GO!" She announced to me with a huge smile on her face, "I am REALLY good at painting nails."

I stared at her confidence and I was jealous for a second that somewhere along my way, I lost my ability to be smile and be confident, even when things aren't perfectly inside the lines.

So, I decided... to leave my toenails the way SHE painted them because she IS really good at painting toenails! I look down at my toes multiple times a day, and I laugh and I LOVE that they aren't perfect.

I set a goal... it's probably the 100Th time I've set this goal... but, I want to be OKAY with imperfection!! I'm going to TRY to leave a rug crooked, or go to bed with the dishes piled up in the sink... or to allow my toenails to remain a beautiful little mess because a six year old was so proud of herself!



I'm off to enjoy my weekend with Husband.



xx: Grayce

Worry Wart

I have always been a worrier,  in first grade I missed 63 days of school, because I was too "sick" to go to school.  The truth was, going to school made me a nervous wreck, I thought my mom would forget about me or that she wouldn't be home when I got home.
I was diagnosed with ulcers when I was in 3rd grade worrying about getting hepatitis or diabetes.  Then in 6th grade I was positive that I was going to get kidnapped, either in the middle of the night or while I walked to school.  The worry continued, but subjects changed.
The difference between worriers and chronic worriers is that chronic worriers can not shut the worry off.  Chronic worriers lay awake at night, worrying about things coming up the next day or even in the years to come.  There are several underlying beliefs that are associated with chronic worry, and these beliefs may explain, in large part, why it is so difficult to turn off the worry.

1.  Perfectionism. or the underlying belief that one cannot, and should not, make mistakes, and that to make mistakes represents incompetence in managing life.

2.  Responsibility, or the underlying belief that it is irresponsible not to attend to negative possibilities, that worries that pop up in one's mind should not be ignored, and that worrying means that you are being responsible.

3.  Controllability, or the underlying belief that worry is a way of gaining control and preventing negative possibilities for coming true.  In other words, "I am glad I worried about my husband because he made it home safely from his trip," or "I am worried that I am not worrying."

4.  Negative beliefs about worry, or the belief that worry itself may drive you crazy, or that worrying indicates that you have lost your mind or are incapable of functioning.

It has helped me to continue to remind myself to "love what is...." (more about that later), also to know that everything that happens is supposed to happen and things will turn out just the way they are supposed to.  I have to say that I have gotten much better in the worrying department.  I rarely lay awake at night worrying and I've taught myself to stop the "what if" thoughts and replace them with more empowering, accurate thoughts, such as, "I can handle whatever happens in my life."  Some days I have to say that over and over to myself, but hey!  Whatever works!!

SHAPESVILLE...

Husband and I volunteer as Boy Scout Leaders. Last night, we had a ceremony for the boys who have graduated from our program and are moving onto the next. One of my 11 year old scouts has a little sister who is 6, we'll call her Jane. Jane, for some reason, has befriended me and has become my little sidekick. She is adorable. She loves that her hair is now long enough to put in a bun so she looks official in her ballet class. She loves that I used to do ballet, and asks me ballet questions all the time. Last night, we served peach cobbler and ice cream. I handed Jane a bowl of cobbler and ice cream. She frowned and told her mom she wanted more than was served to her. Her mom bent down, to be on Jane's level, and whispered loud enough for me to hear- "THAT is a big serving! You don't need more. DO YOU WANT TO BE A CHUNKY BALLERINA??"

My stomach dropped to my toes upon hearing this. This is the problem! This is what we, as a society, have become.

Jane is coming to my house tomorrow while her mom runs errands. I plan to make cookies with her, and in the process I also plan to have a POSITIVE BODY IMAGE TALK WITH HER by reading her my ALL TIME favorite Children's book. SHAPESVILLE. If you haven't read it-- you've got to! YOU WILL LOVE IT!! I read it to most the children that I become close to in my life. I think it's SO important to begin teaching them EARLY about the importance of POSITIVE BODY IMAGE. *more on Shapesville Later*

Here's to being positive influences on the little people who watch so closely.

xx-GRAYCE

**Oh, & currently, I am eating lunch BY MYSELF at a local sandwich shop. Can I just simply say that I LOVE doing things by myself!? Eating out, going to movies, sitting in the book store for hours... etc. It's, for some reason, really liberating to me. A few years ago, I wouldn't have been caught dead eating by myself, or going to a movie by myself... but these days, I LOVE IT.

I CHOSE....

I found these bracelets one day while looking through some ED blogs and websites. I LOVE the saying on the inside and the outside of the bracelets- the outside says (in purple) I CHOSE TO LIVE and the inside says GET IT DONE. I also LOVE the story that goes with them. Patrick Bergstrom is the one who coined the term I CHOSE TO LIVE/GET IT DONE. You can read his story at www.ichosetolive.com . His story is very inspirational to me. What I love most is that he is a voice for the males who suffer from eating disorders, since, sadly, you don't hear much about them.

So, I ordered myself a bracelet... and... I wear it ALL the time. It holds me accountable to MYSELF to CHOOSE LIFE over Anorexia. It's been a battle for me the past few months to break out of this relapse. Many times, I honestly haven't got the strength to fight ED again. I made a decision though, last Monday to be exact. I was sitting in the OBGYN Doctors office waiting room, with all the happy pregnant women. I was there... because I haven't had a menstrual cycle for 8 months (we all know why...). It took a lot to get me there in the first place, because ED really doesn't want me to seek help for the physical damage it's doing to my body. I did it anyway though. I was honest and upfront with my doctor about ED. We talked about my mis-carriage. She asked me if I want to try to get pregnant again. "Yes... " I whispered- because I do. That, is what I want more than anything right now. I feel that is the next step for me in this life. She then sat down next to me, and said... "Well... then, hopefully having a baby will motivate you to get better and will become more important." Her words stuck with me-- created a stir inside of me.

I had to go the lab to get blood work done. There was a full length mirror covering the length of the wall. I watched myself in the mirror-- seemed like I was staring at a cardboard cutout of me. I looked surfaced, shallow... and lost. "That's NOT who I am.." I thought. And.. then... I asked myself the golden question: WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE & WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO GET IT?? After reciting, in my mind, what I desire MOST for myself and for my life... I realized that I had a DISTINCT CHOICE. I can either CHOOSE ED... which will award me with a skinny body, and a small pant size- maybe the superficial attention from other people- although most people just seem disgusted with how I look right now. OR... I can CHOOSE the LIFE I want to lead-- I can choose to become a mother- I can choose to have my health and with that, comes any opportunity in the world. When people describe me, I don't want the only phrase they can think of to be: SHE IS SKINNY. I want LIFE and all of it's BEAUTY to be mine, without ED masking my emotions, my feelings, my desires, EVERYTHING.

So... I looked at my bracelet... and I made a decision. I CHOSE TO LIVE. One baby step at a time, I am GETTING IT DONE. I am getting ME back... allbeit, a much wiser version!

xx-GraYce

Your Belief Is Your Biology

There has been many times in my life that I've thought, "This is not the way it's supposed to be" or "I've made too many mistakes, so the good things that were going to come into my life won't because of the choices I've made."  I would have to really stop my brain from thinking negatively or making my future a catastrophe.
 I believe that much of anxiety comes from distorted thinking.  The weird thing for me is that on the outside I'd act as if I believed my life was going to turn out great, but on the inside, maybe even subconsciously, I was so scared of the worst happening to me.
Dr. F helped me realize that I had many thinking errors and distorted thoughts.  In every thought there is a chemical reaction and the physical results follow.  After so many years of literally scaring myself through my thoughts, I started to experience panic and major anxiety.  Not the type of anxiety that everyone has, no, much darker and so intense.  I thought my life was caving in on me and that I was going to be "sick" forever.
Dr. F gave me a helpful sheet that listed common cognitive distortions.

1.  All or Nothing thinking:  Looking at things in absolute, black and white categories.  There is no middle ground. One mistake can make us feel like a total failure and ruin our day. This type of thinking is very unrealistic since things are rarely 100% one way or another.

2. Negative predictions or jumping to conclusions:  We predict things will turn out negatively, often because of past experiences or emotional pain from the past.

3.  Filtering information negatively: This involves picking a negative detail and dwelling on it.  The total emphasis is placed on our weight, our looks, our health, ect...  seeing only that piece.  Filtering also involves a tendency to disqualify the positive as well.  If 10 people compliment us and one person says something negative, we filter out the 10 and dwell on the one negative.

4.  Mind Reading:  With our negative distortions we often assume that others are reacting negatively toward us.  Our inner dialogue leads us to believe that people are looking down on us or are angry without checking out what may really be going on.

5.  Shoulds:  This type of thinking indicates things have to be a certain way.  Insisting something "should" or "shouldn't" be a certain way, feel a certain way, will intensify anxiety and depression.  Learn to give yourself permission to have certain feelings and acknowledge that a situation is upsetting or unpleasant.

6.  Over generalized thinking:  We view a negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.  Because we view ourselves as having failed in one thing we see ourselves failing in may things present and future.

7.  Labeling:  Instead of saying "I made a mistake," we tell ourselves "I'm a jerk" or "a loser."  This includes those labels we've carried with us for so long.  Think about the things you say to yourself.  Would you allow anyone else to talk to you that way??

8.  Mental Filter:  We dwell on the negatives and ignore the positives.

9. Discounting the positives: We insist that our accomplishments or positive qualities don't count.

10.  Jumping to conclusions:  We conclude things are bad without any definite evidence.

11.  Magnification or minimization:  We blow things way out of proportion or we shrink their importance.

I'm sure all of us can see that we've had many of these thinking errors.  The challenge is to be aware of our thinking and to stop the distorted thoughts and replace them with thoughts that are more true.  I believe it takes a lot of practice, but if done can make a huge difference in your well-being.


--- Jade ----

Female Athlete Triad...

The Female Athlete Triad...

is what I have/had.

I wish... that when I was a young dancer, my dance instructors would have been educated on this very topic. I wish they would have known what to look for. I wish they would have been more concerned that at 17, I still hadn't started my menstrual cycle & that they could have encouraged me to get help- long before I got Osteopenia.

I just read about a young track star, at the peak of her high school athletic career, who died from complications from Anorexia. I read through several articles, where her track coach admits not knowing what to look for- not knowing how serious eating disorders are.

I wish it were mandated that coaches/dance instructors/etc. become educated about eating disorders and about the negative repercussions that they have on the body.

Light needs to be shed on this issue!!

The website www.femaleathletetriad.org/ has A LOT of GREAT information about the female athlete triad! Check it out!! Below is a short summary, taken from the website, describing exactly what the triad is.

xx-Grayce

What is The Triad?

The Female Athlete Triad is a syndrome of three interrelated conditions that exist on a continuum of severity, including:
Energy Deficit/Disordered Eating
Menstrual Disturbances/Amenorrhea
Bone Loss/Osteoporosis

What causes The Triad?Energy Deficit/Disordered EatingAn energy deficit is an imbalance between the amount of energy consumed and the amount of energy expended during exercise. The primary cause of the Female Athlete Triad is energy deficiency. Often, this can involve a conscious restriction of food intake, problems with body image and a high drive for thinness. Sometimes, these conditions can lead to disordered eating, or more serious eating problems, like anorexia or bulimia.

Menstrual Disturbances/Amenorrhea

The most serious menstrual problem associated with the Triad is amenorrhea, defined as no menstrual period for 3 months or more. However, athletes who have irregular menstrual cycles are also susceptible to the effects of the Triad.

Bone Loss/OsteoporosisWomen with the Triad are at higher risk for low bone mass leading to weakened bones, called osteoporosis in its severe form. This type of bone loss can cause an increased risk of fractures, including stress fractures.

... "I FEEL.... WIERD"...

... That was the only way I could describe to people how I was feeling: "I FEEL... WEIRD". It started shortly after my heart surgery. I started feeling almost like I wasn't present in my own body. I could say and do all the right things, but it felt like I wasn't really there. It felt like I was totally out of control- although, I was in control. I could control EVERYTHING I said, did, etc. The feeling got stronger and worse when I was in crowds, especially if Husband wasn't with me. Sometimes, the feeling was so strong, it would cause me to panic and to feel that I was going crazy- like I wasn't really a person. Sometimes, it got so bad, that I would go look in the mirror to make sure that I was still ME. I know... it sounds totally crazy. This was the beginning of my Panic Disorder, but I had NO idea what was wrong with me. Until... Dr. F explained to me that I was experiencing DEPERSONALIZATION- which, she told me, is VERY common among those who suffer from anxiety/panic disorder. When I described my symptoms to my Psychiatrist, Dr. P, he also told me that I was experiencing DEPERSONALIZATION. I can't tell you how WONDERFUL it felt to finally understand WHAT I was feeling, that I wasn't crazy.



WHAT IS DEPERSONALIZATION, YOU ASK??? I found this information on the Internet that I think best describes it:



Derealization and Depersonalization are both 'Dissociative disorders' and sufferers of one can experience the other.
First of all, understand this - Depersonalization and Derealization are completely normal symptoms of anxiety disorder. Although very disturbing at times, they are completely harmless, think of them as a daytime dream. They DO NOT mean that you have any other condition, a mental illness or that you are going mad - they are just more anxiety symptoms.


Depersonalization
A change in an individuals self-awareness such that they feel detached from their own experience, with the self, the body and mind seeming alien.


Depersonalization is a symptom of an anxiety disorder and not a stand alone condition. How do we know this? Because depersonalization cannot exist without anxiety BUT anxiety can exist without depersonalization.
In each and every depersonalization sufferer that we have treated, as we have eliminated the anxiety, the depersonalization disappears completely.
Depersonalization is caused by a shift in the part of the brain that provides us with a 'real' awareness of our environment; this part of the brain is directly linked to the Amygdala, the organ in the brain responsible for anxiety.
Terms commonly used to describe the symptoms and sensations of Depersonalization:
unreal
disembodied
divorced from oneself
apart from everything
unattached
alone
strange
weird
foreign
unfamiliar
dead
puppet-like
robot-like
acting a part
'like a lifeless
two dimensional
'cardboard' figure
made of cotton-wool
having mechanical actions
remote
automated
a spectator
witnessing ones own actions as if in a film or on a TV program
not doing one's own thinking
observing the flow of ideas in the mind as independent.

Derealization


A change in an individuals experience of the environment, where the world around him/her feels unreal and unfamiliar.
Unlike depersonalization which effects the perception of oneself, derealization is a change in an individual's experience of their environment, where the world around him/her feels unreal and unfamiliar.
Again, derealization, like depersonalization, is caused by a change in the way senses perceive our surroundings due to sensitized, anxious, nerve signals reaching the brain. Derealization is completely harmless but can be very disturbing. The more you give derealization credibility, the longer it stays with you. As anxiety levels are reduced, derealization disappears.
Terms commonly used to describe the symptoms and sensations of Derealization:
spaciness
like looking through a gray veil
a sensory fog
spaced-out
being trapped in a glass bell jar
in a goldfish bowl
behind glass
in a Disney-world dream state
withdrawn
feeling cut off or distant from the immediate surroundings
like being a spectator at some strange and meaningless game
objects appear diminished in size
flat
dream-like
cartoon-like
artificial; objects appear to be unsolid, to breathe, or to shimmer
"as if my head were inside a Coke bottle and I'm viewing the world through the thick glass at the bottom" (information found on: http://www.panic-anxiety.com/depersonalization-derealization/).



When my anxiety/panic disorder was at it's worst, I would feel depersonalized most of the time. Since beginning treatment though- both Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Medication- I have seen a drastic improvement. I still feel it, sometimes quite often, but it's my reaction to it that's changed. I now know that it can't hurt me, that it's only anxiety. I have learned to go on with my moments despite feeling "weird" or not. I keep telling myself: I AM ME. What I am feeling is only depersonalization because I am anxious right now. It's okay. It'll go away, it always does.



I thought it important to post this information on this blog, because I think there are many anxiety sufferers who may feel this way, but don't know what it is, nor do they know how to describe it in order to get help for it.

Here's to CHOOSING life!!

xx-Grayce

UMMM....THANKS??????

I just returned home from a two week trip to visit my family who live out of state. I stayed at my parent's house. My mom, although she has watched me struggle on and off with ED for YEARS... still DOES NOT get how to support me/help me in my attempt at recovering from my current relapse. She offered all sorts of wonderful advice to me while I was staying with her: "Do you want me to make you a meal plan that you can follow? Why don't you just decide to not buy anymore clothes until you can buy a bigger size? If I had to gain x amount of weight, I could do it without any problem..." and the list goes on. I left on rather awkward terms with her.

Today though, I received a GEM in the mail. It was a hand written letter from my mom. I opened it, and stuck right on the middle of the white piece of paper was a brightly colored sticker that read: BREAKFAST IS THE MOST IMPORTANT MEAL OF THE DAY. IT MAKES YOUR METABOLISM WORK FASTER AND YOUR WEIGHT GO LOWER.
Ummmm.... REALLY?? As if the sticker wasn't bad enough-- the letter went on to tell me that she gets "angry at me" when she sees me not eating breakfast and that she thinks it's really "stupid behavior."
...Why THANK YOU MOTHER. What a SWEET way to portray your concern and love for me!!

If you have suffered from or are suffering from an ED, you will most likely be able to relate to this post. In my experience, people just simply do NOT understand the deep entities of what an eating disorder truly is. It seems that many of the people in my life, who love me most, handle it all the wrong ways- despite my MANY efforts to teach them about how they can best help me and support me. The most common reaction I get is anger. People get SO angry at me when they see me acting out ED behaviors. I get lectured all too often about all the same things- things that I already KNOW. "You NEED to be eating... You are TOO skinny... You are being STUPID..Why don't you just eat?... What are you thinking?... etc. etc." I want to scream in all of their faces, "PLEASE TELL ME SOMETHING I DON'T ALREADY KNOW!" If it were that easy, I would NOT have a problem in the first place and I most definitely wouldn't be dropping hundreds of dollars per month to pay for Dr. F! I think it would surprise most people how much WE (as sufferers from ED) actually know about proper nutrition. We KNOW how many calories we need a day. We KNOW breakfast is the most important meal of the day. We know about the carbs, proteins, fats and why the human body needs all three. We know, we know, we know. I try to remember that the people reacting to me in anger, and saying hurtful things to me are simply trying their best to let me know they love me, are worried about me, and are terrified of losing me. I get why they are frustrated, but it's not ME they should be frustrated with, it's the ED. Alas, I can tell people this until I am blue in the face, some decide to listen to me and to allow me to educate them on what an ED actually is and how they can HELP me, and others, (like my mom) decide to ignore my pleas for help and continue dealing with ED their own way- which, is NOT helpful to me or my recovery at all.

Dr. F and I have talked a lot about this. I decided a few months ago, that there are only a few people, who I feel are willing to truly learn about ED and to learn about how they can best support me in my recovery. The people I identified were: my older sister and my husband, and of course, Dr. F. I took my sister to a session with Dr. F so that Dr. F could fully educate her and let her know where I am in my recovery and how to best help and support me. I did the same with Husband. It has made a huge difference in my treatment because I have decided to be open and honest with these people, to allow them to hold me accountable, and to, for the most part, ignore the other comments/insults/advice I get from those close to me who are not willing to positively support my recovery. It isn't always easy to ignore the negative insults/blatantly rude comments from people, so I have decided that when certain comments affect me or trigger ED behaviors, that I will either call Dr. F, Sister, or Husband so that we can talk about it.

(I have purposely NOT included Jade in my SUPPORT team for ED, as not to trigger her since she is doing so well in her recovery).

My advice to anyone suffering from ED: Choose a select few who are close to you, who you know will listen and learn and take seriously your recovery. It makes all the difference to have some people who are fully on board with you and who can hold you accountable!!

Here's to CHOOSING life!!

xx-Grayce

MASKS OF THE EATING DISORDER...

In my struggle with my Eating Disorder, I have come to realize that an eating disorder completely takes away from who I am. It seems like ED takes over my body- talks for me, thinks for me, while the real me is shoved aside, rarely allowed to act freely. ED forces me to wear different 'masks' for different crowds. Masks that lie to those who love me most. Masks that pretend I am okay. Masks that look like perfection.

The following is a poem/piece of writing I wrote a few years ago when I was nearing the termination of my treatment for Anorexia:

The Maskless Wonder

Walking through a crowded theatre
Appearing confident,
Well put together and happy
Faking a melodrama of casual pursuit
Lying through broken lips
Stories of perfection ooze through the listener’s ears
Perfection so rounded it’s unattainable
Her world has turned into a stage
A stage which presents various masks
Masks of physical perfection, of health
And complete emotional stability
Never to anger, cry and of course never to rage in a war of jealousy
Never to sneak a cookie or piece of chocolate
Never to fail a test
Masks that mold so naturally and firmly to her face
That they won’t come off anymore
The mask that holds a pillow in her lap each time she sits down
Masks that deceive every single one of you
This theatrical mask is untied in rare moments of freedom
It crashes heavily to the floor
Revealing a forbidden weakness
A glance at an unspeakable flaw
She cries, yells, screams and fails too often
Eats too many sweets
Skips workouts
She laughs and smiles
The laugh of her soul rings freely
The audience of people watching her play suddenly become brighter
They are appearing in bold shades of red
While before they were presented in shadows of charcoal
Other people were overlooked because her view was always mirroring the grotesque image of herself
Seeing each stranger’s perception of her
Imagining stories and opinions that seem so real it distracts her from the true experience of the moment
It restricts her
Eats her
Leaves her
“HOW DO THEY VIEW ME?”
Smart? Fat? Gorgeous?
irrepressible thoughts escape through her
Shoving their way repeatedly to get where they want to be
Terror strikes her
In an awakening second
Her masks are hung side by side on metal hooks
She changes each one minute by minute
Their unique lies fit millions of moments
Until years spent hiding desperately behind them have left her nothing but a pale face of emotionless stain
Her hands are trembling
Because she’s not sure if she can do this final task
This stage and these masks have been her element
Her truth
Her armor
Her identity
Without them, her theatre may be empty
The audience may not stare in amazement
Or clap at her glory
They may hate her show
They may even turn and leave in disgust of her plot
But her play is going to be her own
So… she pulls the last match out of the box
Hesitatingly, she strikes it forward
The immediate glow of fire breeds itself profoundly
As her hands release it towards her array of masks hanging in a row
Each mask catches the rush of the melting flame
Disappearing into ash piled up on the cherry wood floor
Each one passing the destructive wonder on to the next
Until at last… nothing remains
But HER
She sits alone in her huge empty theatre
The lights are dim to reflect the red seats and their stillness
The silence is felt for the first time in its reality
Her legs dangle off the edge of the stage
She kicks them back and forth
She doesn’t know whether to laugh, cry, run or dance
She‘s not sure what she wants, craves or desires her play to be
It will come to her, in time
She’s staring out of her two green eyes
Seeing only what they see instead of deeming on the false perception of others
Living her own journey
Maybe marked by failure, cookies and laziness
But still the same,
It’s her journey
Her play
Her theatre
Regardless of the audience feedback
It’s starring only what she now knows…
The maskless wonder…

ME

-Grayce

**none of the writings on this blog may be used, copied or pasted anywhere else without written permission from us, as the authors** thanks, Jade and Grayce

G.S.M.

I can't remember exactly how old we were, or what grade we were in when we first met. I think it was when we were either 11 or 12. I was in my dance class at the competitive dance studio I had been dancing with since I was 3 years old. I was in the company class, which I had tried out for years before. I had been in class with the same girls for years. One day, a new girl joined our class, which was unheard of in the middle of the dance season. She was wearing a leotard and a floral ballet skirt. We all eyed her, over and over again, not sure what to think of the new comer. She wasn't very good at turns, but her leaps were INCREDIBLE. We all stared in awe as she leaped so high she nearly touched the ceiling (not even exaggerating!). She had a confidence about her and an energy that was contagious! It was impossible not to love her, even though she was much better at leaps than I was! Her name was JADE. It took us about an hour to hit it off and to become the best of friends. We spent hours together in the dance studio, practicing, competing, and performing. We shared an avid passion for the art of dance. What we never had between us however, was competition. We seemed to always want the best for the other. We didn't go to the same Elementary, Junior High or High School-- but it didn't matter to our friendship. We spent most weekends at dance competitions and many nights having sleepovers together. We loved jumping on the trampoline, eating instant mashed potatoes and getting chocolate malts with EXTRA malt. We shared so many things in common- we were both the youngest child in our families, we were both worriers-prone to worrying ourselves sick, we loved life and we weren't scared to show it through our outgoing enthusiasm and sometimes rather obnoxious excitement! We were two peas in a pod.

Physically, I don't think we could be more opposite! She is 5'2'',with dark brown eyes, dark brown hair and a dark complexion. I am 5'8", green eyes, blond hair with an olive complexion. y

When we became juniors in high school, Jade tried out for her high schools drill team and made it. That meant that she no longer had time to dance at our studio with me. I was devastated that she was going to be leaving me, but I was thrilled for her to have the experience of being on Drill Team. During that school year, we didn't see much of each other. She was busy with Drill Team, and I was busy with my dance studio. It was at this time in our lives, when we were both 17, that Anorexia was affecting both of us, yet neither of us knew about the other. I was embarrassed to see Jade because I didn't want her to think differently of me for suffering from an eating disorder. When we finally got together in August, right before our senior year of high school was to begin, I think we both noticed a huge difference in how the other looked.

We were in Jade's car, sitting at the gas station while we waited for the gas to pump.

"I have something to tell you..." I said shamefully.

"I have something to tell you too..." she said in return.

"You go first..." I said

"No, you go first..." she said

"Okay..." I began in a quiet voice, "I have an eating disorder...."

"WHAT?! ME TOO!" She yelled, shocked. "I just got out of the hospital because I almost died from it."

How had this happened to us both without the other having any idea?? Jade was very dedicated to her recovery. She loved her therapist. I had been in and out of therapy and hadn't found one that I connected with or felt comfortable with. My weight wasn't low enough for hospitalization. It was at that point in our friendship, that we connected more deeply than we had before. We understood each other in a way that no one in the world could, no matter how hard they tried. We became each other's biggest support. Jade continued to recover and get better during our Senior Year of high school. I was teetering, never fully recovered, but not fully Anorexic either.

We decided to go to college together and be roommates our Freshman year of college. Jade continued on her path to recovery, while I fell back into the dark, bad habits of ED. I surrounded myself with fellow dancers who were nothing but terrible influences as far as ED goes. Looking back, I am so proud of Jade because while all the dancers around her were diving deeper into ED behavior, she remained strong-- all on her own. I wish I would have followed her lead at that time.

We saw each other through everything-- the good, the bad, the ugly. Jade and I began calling each other "GIRL SOUL MATES... aka: G.S.M" because our lives basically mirrored each other. When I found out about my Osteopenia, I knew I needed to get some help with my Anorexia and that I needed to stick to treatment and see it through. I had a good friend who I worked with, I heard him talking about his mom one day and about how she is a therapist. I asked him what kind of a therapist she was, and he said she worked with women and girls with Eating Disorders and with Anxiety/Depression. I asked him if I could call his mom to get some recommendations. He had his mom, Dr. F, call me the next day. I talked with her for about an hour, and I knew she could help me. I set up an appointment with her for the following week. I then called Jade to tell her that I was getting help, once and for all. She asked who I was going to be seeing for therapy. I told her Dr. F's name and she started screaming, "That is who I went to!! I love her!!" Again, our paths had intertwined without us planning or knowing it. Dr. F has seen us both through years of treatment. We both love Dr. F dearly and will probably refer to her many times throughout this blog. She has been the angel that has helped us see the light, that is often times SO dim, at the end of the tunnel.

It was Jade who experienced the Hell that is OCD/Panic/Anxiety first. At first, she didn't mention it to me, and was fighting her own battle. Finally, one day, while we sat in her house talking, she told me about her struggle with anxiety and obsessive thoughts and how scary and real it had become. I couldn't understand how her mind could think such absurd things, and how she could actually believe them. A few years after Jade told me about her anxiety, was when I went through my heart problems which led to my own anxiety/panic disorder. Jade has been the one who has helped me through some of my darkest days in the grips of panic disorder. She understands me without ever judging or thinking I am crazy. It's been THEE biggest relief to have her and her knowledge to help me through this past year of my life.

We both have amazing husbands who try desperately to be there for us throughout our "ISSUES"... but at the end of the day, no one can truly understand what we have been through/are going through without walking down similar paths.

I don't know why I was blessed to know Jade in this life, and not only to know her, but to have her as my best friend! She is one of the wisest women I know. She has been a light in my life and despite the hardships she's faced, she remains one of the most positive, energetic people I know.

I think Jade and I have experienced things that have made us better and wiser. I think all hardships do that, even though it's hard to see that while in the midst of them. Hopefully, throughout this blog, we will be able to candidly share our trials and triumphs and what we learn along the way.

ENOUGH OF THE SAP for today...Happy Labor Day Weekend!!

Here's to CHOOSING LIFE!

xx: GraYce

Layers

It's amazing that the things I struggle with as an adult, showed up in smaller ways in my childhood.  I've always felt like there were two sides to me.  The "healthy, normal" me and the "worried, anxious" me.  I was an energetic, carefree child in once sense, but on the inside I had a lot of worries and anxiety.  I worried about everything from getting hepatitis to getting kidnapped.  Until I was 13 I had a sleeping bag set up next to my parents bed because I couldn't get the thought of getting kidnapped out of my head.  Looking back, I really wish my mom would have taken me to a doctor back then or someone I could talk to that could help me sort out my thoughts.
One thing I never struggled with in my childhood was eating disorder.  That didn't show it's ugly head until I was 17. I grew up dancing and being around girls that were obsessed with their bodies and that was not a good environment for me to be in.  I remember thinking I needed to be "perfect", that included eating perfectly, getting perfect grades, exercising perfectly, following my church perfectly, ect.... It took me a total of 4 months to go from 110 lbs to 75 lbs. then I was admitted to the hospital where I was "scared" into getting "better".  I've never let myself get that sick again, but it's an ongoing battle, affecting me more or less depending on what's going on in my life.
I remember when I was about 22 I started having weird thoughts that seemed to come out of nowhere.  I remember being so afraid that I wouldn't believe in God anymore or I'd have bad thoughts about church.  It really scared me.  But, those thoughts eventually went away.
The next time I started having obsessive thoughts was when I was about 24.  They became so scary and I literally thought I was going crazy.  My thoughts were overtaking me.  I would pray to God that I'd get cancer or have a limb taken off, as long as these thoughts would go away.  The thoughts would come and go and vary in intensity, but in May of 2007 while I was on a walk with my mom, I completely broke down.  I bawled to her, saying that I'd rather die than feel the way I was feeling.  I think this really scared her, because I had masked my problems so well.  The next day she called my therapist who I'd seen for eating disorder and got me an appointment that day.  That visit was such a relief to me.  Dr. F said that I was not going crazy and I wasn't an evil person, I was suffering with major anxiety and panic and OCD.  Of course this visit didn't cure me, but it did give me the hope that I could get better.  I got an appointment with a psychiatrist and I was put on Risperdal and Zoloft.  They have a huge help to me, they got me out of the hole I was in and made it seem like this was something I could deal with.
I wanted to start this blog because it's such a lonely out of control feeling to feel like you're going through these things.  I obviously am not "cured", but I have come so far and think I've learned some very important things that I'm excited to share on this blog.

-JADE

FREEDOM...

The picture above speaks volumes to me. It is a picture of me- leaping on the beach. Silly? Maybe. But, to me... it yells out FREEDOM. FREEDOM from ED. FREEDOM from PANIC. FREEDOM to live MY life without the ropes that have, at times, tightly tied me down.

My quest for FREEDOM began years ago. It's impossible to pinpoint an exact date or time when I suddenly discovered that my thoughts were not MY OWN. The voice of Anorexia begins so subtlety, I didn't even recognize it at first. Thoughts would enter my mind-- thoughts about calories, weight, working out, etc. I thought I was being "healthy". Little did I know, Anorexia was burying it's tentacles into the naive, vulnerable soil of my brain. Anorexia didn't actually introduce herself to me until I was already entangled so firmly that I didn't know how to release myself from her grasp. It was at that point, that she stood by and laughed in my face. She offered me a deal- if I honored HER commands and did as she told me, SHE would GIVE me EVERYTHING I had ever desired. I took the deal, not knowing that it was all a LIE. Nothing Anorexia says is TRUTH and it has taken me years to figure this out. I believe that Anorexia began 'prepping' me when I was very young- around 12 years old. It was when I was 17 though, that SHE began RAGING inside me. SHE wreaked havoc in my life, in my relationships with my parents and friends. SHE became the voice that I honored and lived by. SHE became the ONLY comfort I was willing to turn to. My Mom forced me to a few different Doctors and Therapists, none were a good fit. I continued walking the very line that Anorexia created for me. It was when I was 20 years old, that I begin to suffer the complications that Anorexia was reaping on my physical body. Anorexia had caused me to live without a menstrual cycle for years. When I was 20, I suffered stress fractures in my right and my left femurs and in my tibia, just from running. The Doctors were bewildered. The tests began. The final test, the Bone Dexa Scan, came back revealing that I had Osteopenia-- a thinning of my bones that had caused my bones to become thin and breakable. This, as the Doctors told me, was a result of Anorexia.

This was my breaking point-- my "rock bottom." I needed help and I was FINALLY ready to do it for ME, not for anyone else. I was introduced, at this time to my therapist. We'll call her Dr. F throughout the blog. Dr. F became the most influential person of my life and after two years in extensive therapy with her, I was successfully terminated from treatment and lived merely Anorexia Free... for four years. The battle to FREEDOM was GRUELING, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I found parts of my INNER self that I would have never discovered were it not for Anorexia. Anorexia taught to me truly value the INNER qualities of a person and to appreciate the things in life that are lasting.

I thought I was finished with Anorexia for life. I considered defeating it, one of my life's greatest accomplishments. But... LIFE HAPPENED and it caught me off guard. Four years after my termination from Therapy, my comfortable life took some drastic changes that I wasn't prepared for. I suffered a mini-stroke in February of 2009-- after extensive tests, they found that I had an Atrial Septum Defect and an Atrial Septum Aneurysm in my heart. I had a heart surgery performed where they implanted a device, the size of a quarter, into my heart. The recovery took about 8 months... and it was nothing less than grueling. Many times I wished I had never even had the implant put in because I wasn't seeing any positive results as had been promised. Three months after my surgery, Husband and I moved to a new state for his job. I had to leave my job that I loved, my family, my friends, doctors, etc. I was positive about it and looked forward to a new adventure with Husband. The move though, was harder on me than I thought it would be. I was at a vulnerable time in my life as it was, and I found that finding work in my new state was nearly impossible because of the economy.

I decided to take some time for ME, to allow myself some time to HEAL from my heart procedure.

One day.... as I was sitting outside on my patio, reading, I began to notice that my mind kept asking "WHAT IF I AM NOT REALLY A PERSON? WHAT IF THIS ISN'T REALLY ME?" I tried to shake it off, and kept reading, but the thought wouldn't stop. It repeated, over and over and over. I couldn't stop it. I began to feel absolute panic that started in my chest and moved down my arms and legs. My heart was racing, I was dizzy. I didn't know what was happening to me! I thought I was going crazy and I vowed that I wouldn't tell Husband what was happening, because I was certain that I would end up in the Psych Ward. I tried to keep this to myself for a week. It was one of the roughest weeks of my life. Sometimes I would be okay, but then the thought would enter my mind and the whole cycle of panic began. It got so bad that I never wanted to leave my house in fear that I would start to panic. I couldn't handle it by myself anymore, and finally told Husband about it one night.

"I think I'm OCD..." I said nonchalantly.

"Why...??" He asked, nonchalantly.

"I keep thinking a crazy thought, over and over and over and it's like I believe it." I explained to him.

I told him what the thought was, that I was questioning whether or not I was really a person.

"If you aren't a person... then what would you be??" He asked.

"I KNOW!" I sobbed, "It doesn't make any sense.... but I can't stop it. I think I am going crazy!"

It was my tears that shocked him, because I am NOT a crier. He looked terrified.

"I need to call Dr. F... I need help. Something is not right in my head..." I told him.

So, I did. I called Dr. F at 1 am on a Saturday night in October of 2009. She listened as I described to her what had happened with my heart, my move, and the thoughts that were scaring me to death. She explained that I was having severe anxiety and panic attacks. She recommended that I see a Psychiatrist to talk about medication that may be helpful. She also recommended that I begin treatment with her again. I willingly agreed that I needed it- although it would have to be via phone, since I lived in a different state.

I saw a Psychiatrist and I got on Celexa to help control my Anxiety/Panic and my Obsessive thoughts. The medication has helped me more than I thought it could! It has not cured me. I am learning the skills that I need to face anxiety and panic and to gain FREEDOM to live my best life DESPITE the fact that I suffer from these things. I have bad days and I have good days, but I have made up my mind, that I am NOT going to let panic/anxiety/OCD rule my life or to stop me from being the person I can be. I have decided to FEEL THE FEAR AND TO FACE IT.

My story doesn't end here... NOT yet. I decided that to start this blog, I wanted to get it ALL out there-- so that my future posts make sense. I plan to talk about a wide spectrum of topics as they apply to me and my recovery and I wanted YOU (as my readers) to understand where I am and where I have been.

In my struggle with severe Anxiety/Panic, I completely lost my appetite, and as a result of losing my appetite, I began losing weight. I thought it was strictly the anxiety that was causing me to lose weight. I NEVER thought that Anorexia would enter my life again. As time went on though, and as my appetite continued to be non-existent, I continued losing weight. This caused people to notice and to make comments. This is when Anorexia slowly began to wake up inside of me- praising me for not eating, praising me for losing weight. Anorexia was once again, becoming the ever familiar comfort that no one/nothing else could offer. Anorexia helped numb the affect that panic/anxiety had on me. Anorexia numbed everything actually. Little by little, I was getting sick again. At the beginning of January 2010, I had a miscarriage. It would have been my first child. I cried once. I couldn't allow myself to FEEL what had really happened, so instead of facing it, I succumbed even more to Anorexia and allowed HER to comfort me, to numb me, to take me away from what REALLY was going on.

How did I get back here? Is a question I ask myself everyday as I struggle to CHOOSE life over Anorexia. I have learned through this relapse that I can NEVER under-estimate HER.

I just turned 29. I have so many goals and dreams for my life, none of which include Anorexia. It shouldn't even be a difficult choice to make, but the power of ED is impossible to describe to someone who hasn't suffered themselves.

Here's to CHOOSING LIFE over ED and to encouraging each other through the ropes of ED, Anxiety/Panic and OCD.

xx- GrAyce