FREEDOM...

The picture above speaks volumes to me. It is a picture of me- leaping on the beach. Silly? Maybe. But, to me... it yells out FREEDOM. FREEDOM from ED. FREEDOM from PANIC. FREEDOM to live MY life without the ropes that have, at times, tightly tied me down.

My quest for FREEDOM began years ago. It's impossible to pinpoint an exact date or time when I suddenly discovered that my thoughts were not MY OWN. The voice of Anorexia begins so subtlety, I didn't even recognize it at first. Thoughts would enter my mind-- thoughts about calories, weight, working out, etc. I thought I was being "healthy". Little did I know, Anorexia was burying it's tentacles into the naive, vulnerable soil of my brain. Anorexia didn't actually introduce herself to me until I was already entangled so firmly that I didn't know how to release myself from her grasp. It was at that point, that she stood by and laughed in my face. She offered me a deal- if I honored HER commands and did as she told me, SHE would GIVE me EVERYTHING I had ever desired. I took the deal, not knowing that it was all a LIE. Nothing Anorexia says is TRUTH and it has taken me years to figure this out. I believe that Anorexia began 'prepping' me when I was very young- around 12 years old. It was when I was 17 though, that SHE began RAGING inside me. SHE wreaked havoc in my life, in my relationships with my parents and friends. SHE became the voice that I honored and lived by. SHE became the ONLY comfort I was willing to turn to. My Mom forced me to a few different Doctors and Therapists, none were a good fit. I continued walking the very line that Anorexia created for me. It was when I was 20 years old, that I begin to suffer the complications that Anorexia was reaping on my physical body. Anorexia had caused me to live without a menstrual cycle for years. When I was 20, I suffered stress fractures in my right and my left femurs and in my tibia, just from running. The Doctors were bewildered. The tests began. The final test, the Bone Dexa Scan, came back revealing that I had Osteopenia-- a thinning of my bones that had caused my bones to become thin and breakable. This, as the Doctors told me, was a result of Anorexia.

This was my breaking point-- my "rock bottom." I needed help and I was FINALLY ready to do it for ME, not for anyone else. I was introduced, at this time to my therapist. We'll call her Dr. F throughout the blog. Dr. F became the most influential person of my life and after two years in extensive therapy with her, I was successfully terminated from treatment and lived merely Anorexia Free... for four years. The battle to FREEDOM was GRUELING, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. I found parts of my INNER self that I would have never discovered were it not for Anorexia. Anorexia taught to me truly value the INNER qualities of a person and to appreciate the things in life that are lasting.

I thought I was finished with Anorexia for life. I considered defeating it, one of my life's greatest accomplishments. But... LIFE HAPPENED and it caught me off guard. Four years after my termination from Therapy, my comfortable life took some drastic changes that I wasn't prepared for. I suffered a mini-stroke in February of 2009-- after extensive tests, they found that I had an Atrial Septum Defect and an Atrial Septum Aneurysm in my heart. I had a heart surgery performed where they implanted a device, the size of a quarter, into my heart. The recovery took about 8 months... and it was nothing less than grueling. Many times I wished I had never even had the implant put in because I wasn't seeing any positive results as had been promised. Three months after my surgery, Husband and I moved to a new state for his job. I had to leave my job that I loved, my family, my friends, doctors, etc. I was positive about it and looked forward to a new adventure with Husband. The move though, was harder on me than I thought it would be. I was at a vulnerable time in my life as it was, and I found that finding work in my new state was nearly impossible because of the economy.

I decided to take some time for ME, to allow myself some time to HEAL from my heart procedure.

One day.... as I was sitting outside on my patio, reading, I began to notice that my mind kept asking "WHAT IF I AM NOT REALLY A PERSON? WHAT IF THIS ISN'T REALLY ME?" I tried to shake it off, and kept reading, but the thought wouldn't stop. It repeated, over and over and over. I couldn't stop it. I began to feel absolute panic that started in my chest and moved down my arms and legs. My heart was racing, I was dizzy. I didn't know what was happening to me! I thought I was going crazy and I vowed that I wouldn't tell Husband what was happening, because I was certain that I would end up in the Psych Ward. I tried to keep this to myself for a week. It was one of the roughest weeks of my life. Sometimes I would be okay, but then the thought would enter my mind and the whole cycle of panic began. It got so bad that I never wanted to leave my house in fear that I would start to panic. I couldn't handle it by myself anymore, and finally told Husband about it one night.

"I think I'm OCD..." I said nonchalantly.

"Why...??" He asked, nonchalantly.

"I keep thinking a crazy thought, over and over and over and it's like I believe it." I explained to him.

I told him what the thought was, that I was questioning whether or not I was really a person.

"If you aren't a person... then what would you be??" He asked.

"I KNOW!" I sobbed, "It doesn't make any sense.... but I can't stop it. I think I am going crazy!"

It was my tears that shocked him, because I am NOT a crier. He looked terrified.

"I need to call Dr. F... I need help. Something is not right in my head..." I told him.

So, I did. I called Dr. F at 1 am on a Saturday night in October of 2009. She listened as I described to her what had happened with my heart, my move, and the thoughts that were scaring me to death. She explained that I was having severe anxiety and panic attacks. She recommended that I see a Psychiatrist to talk about medication that may be helpful. She also recommended that I begin treatment with her again. I willingly agreed that I needed it- although it would have to be via phone, since I lived in a different state.

I saw a Psychiatrist and I got on Celexa to help control my Anxiety/Panic and my Obsessive thoughts. The medication has helped me more than I thought it could! It has not cured me. I am learning the skills that I need to face anxiety and panic and to gain FREEDOM to live my best life DESPITE the fact that I suffer from these things. I have bad days and I have good days, but I have made up my mind, that I am NOT going to let panic/anxiety/OCD rule my life or to stop me from being the person I can be. I have decided to FEEL THE FEAR AND TO FACE IT.

My story doesn't end here... NOT yet. I decided that to start this blog, I wanted to get it ALL out there-- so that my future posts make sense. I plan to talk about a wide spectrum of topics as they apply to me and my recovery and I wanted YOU (as my readers) to understand where I am and where I have been.

In my struggle with severe Anxiety/Panic, I completely lost my appetite, and as a result of losing my appetite, I began losing weight. I thought it was strictly the anxiety that was causing me to lose weight. I NEVER thought that Anorexia would enter my life again. As time went on though, and as my appetite continued to be non-existent, I continued losing weight. This caused people to notice and to make comments. This is when Anorexia slowly began to wake up inside of me- praising me for not eating, praising me for losing weight. Anorexia was once again, becoming the ever familiar comfort that no one/nothing else could offer. Anorexia helped numb the affect that panic/anxiety had on me. Anorexia numbed everything actually. Little by little, I was getting sick again. At the beginning of January 2010, I had a miscarriage. It would have been my first child. I cried once. I couldn't allow myself to FEEL what had really happened, so instead of facing it, I succumbed even more to Anorexia and allowed HER to comfort me, to numb me, to take me away from what REALLY was going on.

How did I get back here? Is a question I ask myself everyday as I struggle to CHOOSE life over Anorexia. I have learned through this relapse that I can NEVER under-estimate HER.

I just turned 29. I have so many goals and dreams for my life, none of which include Anorexia. It shouldn't even be a difficult choice to make, but the power of ED is impossible to describe to someone who hasn't suffered themselves.

Here's to CHOOSING LIFE over ED and to encouraging each other through the ropes of ED, Anxiety/Panic and OCD.

xx- GrAyce