G.S.M.

I can't remember exactly how old we were, or what grade we were in when we first met. I think it was when we were either 11 or 12. I was in my dance class at the competitive dance studio I had been dancing with since I was 3 years old. I was in the company class, which I had tried out for years before. I had been in class with the same girls for years. One day, a new girl joined our class, which was unheard of in the middle of the dance season. She was wearing a leotard and a floral ballet skirt. We all eyed her, over and over again, not sure what to think of the new comer. She wasn't very good at turns, but her leaps were INCREDIBLE. We all stared in awe as she leaped so high she nearly touched the ceiling (not even exaggerating!). She had a confidence about her and an energy that was contagious! It was impossible not to love her, even though she was much better at leaps than I was! Her name was JADE. It took us about an hour to hit it off and to become the best of friends. We spent hours together in the dance studio, practicing, competing, and performing. We shared an avid passion for the art of dance. What we never had between us however, was competition. We seemed to always want the best for the other. We didn't go to the same Elementary, Junior High or High School-- but it didn't matter to our friendship. We spent most weekends at dance competitions and many nights having sleepovers together. We loved jumping on the trampoline, eating instant mashed potatoes and getting chocolate malts with EXTRA malt. We shared so many things in common- we were both the youngest child in our families, we were both worriers-prone to worrying ourselves sick, we loved life and we weren't scared to show it through our outgoing enthusiasm and sometimes rather obnoxious excitement! We were two peas in a pod.

Physically, I don't think we could be more opposite! She is 5'2'',with dark brown eyes, dark brown hair and a dark complexion. I am 5'8", green eyes, blond hair with an olive complexion. y

When we became juniors in high school, Jade tried out for her high schools drill team and made it. That meant that she no longer had time to dance at our studio with me. I was devastated that she was going to be leaving me, but I was thrilled for her to have the experience of being on Drill Team. During that school year, we didn't see much of each other. She was busy with Drill Team, and I was busy with my dance studio. It was at this time in our lives, when we were both 17, that Anorexia was affecting both of us, yet neither of us knew about the other. I was embarrassed to see Jade because I didn't want her to think differently of me for suffering from an eating disorder. When we finally got together in August, right before our senior year of high school was to begin, I think we both noticed a huge difference in how the other looked.

We were in Jade's car, sitting at the gas station while we waited for the gas to pump.

"I have something to tell you..." I said shamefully.

"I have something to tell you too..." she said in return.

"You go first..." I said

"No, you go first..." she said

"Okay..." I began in a quiet voice, "I have an eating disorder...."

"WHAT?! ME TOO!" She yelled, shocked. "I just got out of the hospital because I almost died from it."

How had this happened to us both without the other having any idea?? Jade was very dedicated to her recovery. She loved her therapist. I had been in and out of therapy and hadn't found one that I connected with or felt comfortable with. My weight wasn't low enough for hospitalization. It was at that point in our friendship, that we connected more deeply than we had before. We understood each other in a way that no one in the world could, no matter how hard they tried. We became each other's biggest support. Jade continued to recover and get better during our Senior Year of high school. I was teetering, never fully recovered, but not fully Anorexic either.

We decided to go to college together and be roommates our Freshman year of college. Jade continued on her path to recovery, while I fell back into the dark, bad habits of ED. I surrounded myself with fellow dancers who were nothing but terrible influences as far as ED goes. Looking back, I am so proud of Jade because while all the dancers around her were diving deeper into ED behavior, she remained strong-- all on her own. I wish I would have followed her lead at that time.

We saw each other through everything-- the good, the bad, the ugly. Jade and I began calling each other "GIRL SOUL MATES... aka: G.S.M" because our lives basically mirrored each other. When I found out about my Osteopenia, I knew I needed to get some help with my Anorexia and that I needed to stick to treatment and see it through. I had a good friend who I worked with, I heard him talking about his mom one day and about how she is a therapist. I asked him what kind of a therapist she was, and he said she worked with women and girls with Eating Disorders and with Anxiety/Depression. I asked him if I could call his mom to get some recommendations. He had his mom, Dr. F, call me the next day. I talked with her for about an hour, and I knew she could help me. I set up an appointment with her for the following week. I then called Jade to tell her that I was getting help, once and for all. She asked who I was going to be seeing for therapy. I told her Dr. F's name and she started screaming, "That is who I went to!! I love her!!" Again, our paths had intertwined without us planning or knowing it. Dr. F has seen us both through years of treatment. We both love Dr. F dearly and will probably refer to her many times throughout this blog. She has been the angel that has helped us see the light, that is often times SO dim, at the end of the tunnel.

It was Jade who experienced the Hell that is OCD/Panic/Anxiety first. At first, she didn't mention it to me, and was fighting her own battle. Finally, one day, while we sat in her house talking, she told me about her struggle with anxiety and obsessive thoughts and how scary and real it had become. I couldn't understand how her mind could think such absurd things, and how she could actually believe them. A few years after Jade told me about her anxiety, was when I went through my heart problems which led to my own anxiety/panic disorder. Jade has been the one who has helped me through some of my darkest days in the grips of panic disorder. She understands me without ever judging or thinking I am crazy. It's been THEE biggest relief to have her and her knowledge to help me through this past year of my life.

We both have amazing husbands who try desperately to be there for us throughout our "ISSUES"... but at the end of the day, no one can truly understand what we have been through/are going through without walking down similar paths.

I don't know why I was blessed to know Jade in this life, and not only to know her, but to have her as my best friend! She is one of the wisest women I know. She has been a light in my life and despite the hardships she's faced, she remains one of the most positive, energetic people I know.

I think Jade and I have experienced things that have made us better and wiser. I think all hardships do that, even though it's hard to see that while in the midst of them. Hopefully, throughout this blog, we will be able to candidly share our trials and triumphs and what we learn along the way.

ENOUGH OF THE SAP for today...Happy Labor Day Weekend!!

Here's to CHOOSING LIFE!

xx: GraYce