I CHOSE....

I found these bracelets one day while looking through some ED blogs and websites. I LOVE the saying on the inside and the outside of the bracelets- the outside says (in purple) I CHOSE TO LIVE and the inside says GET IT DONE. I also LOVE the story that goes with them. Patrick Bergstrom is the one who coined the term I CHOSE TO LIVE/GET IT DONE. You can read his story at www.ichosetolive.com . His story is very inspirational to me. What I love most is that he is a voice for the males who suffer from eating disorders, since, sadly, you don't hear much about them.

So, I ordered myself a bracelet... and... I wear it ALL the time. It holds me accountable to MYSELF to CHOOSE LIFE over Anorexia. It's been a battle for me the past few months to break out of this relapse. Many times, I honestly haven't got the strength to fight ED again. I made a decision though, last Monday to be exact. I was sitting in the OBGYN Doctors office waiting room, with all the happy pregnant women. I was there... because I haven't had a menstrual cycle for 8 months (we all know why...). It took a lot to get me there in the first place, because ED really doesn't want me to seek help for the physical damage it's doing to my body. I did it anyway though. I was honest and upfront with my doctor about ED. We talked about my mis-carriage. She asked me if I want to try to get pregnant again. "Yes... " I whispered- because I do. That, is what I want more than anything right now. I feel that is the next step for me in this life. She then sat down next to me, and said... "Well... then, hopefully having a baby will motivate you to get better and will become more important." Her words stuck with me-- created a stir inside of me.

I had to go the lab to get blood work done. There was a full length mirror covering the length of the wall. I watched myself in the mirror-- seemed like I was staring at a cardboard cutout of me. I looked surfaced, shallow... and lost. "That's NOT who I am.." I thought. And.. then... I asked myself the golden question: WHAT DO YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE & WHAT DO I NEED TO DO TO GET IT?? After reciting, in my mind, what I desire MOST for myself and for my life... I realized that I had a DISTINCT CHOICE. I can either CHOOSE ED... which will award me with a skinny body, and a small pant size- maybe the superficial attention from other people- although most people just seem disgusted with how I look right now. OR... I can CHOOSE the LIFE I want to lead-- I can choose to become a mother- I can choose to have my health and with that, comes any opportunity in the world. When people describe me, I don't want the only phrase they can think of to be: SHE IS SKINNY. I want LIFE and all of it's BEAUTY to be mine, without ED masking my emotions, my feelings, my desires, EVERYTHING.

So... I looked at my bracelet... and I made a decision. I CHOSE TO LIVE. One baby step at a time, I am GETTING IT DONE. I am getting ME back... allbeit, a much wiser version!

xx-GraYce