When Husband & I first got married- over four years ago- I was on top of my game. I had just graduated from college, I had a kick ass job as a sex crime investigator, I was living ED-FREE, I was healthy and happy. I see why he loved me THEN... I was independent, determined, feisty, confident, etc. I was rocking at life.
And then.... my life sort of.... well... spun out of from under me. It's been a year, yesterday, since I moved to my new State. A year since I've been employed. A year since panic disorder took over my life. It's been a rough year- but I don't want to keep coining it a 'bad' year because it's not 'bad', it's life and shit happens.
This year, I have had a different theme- a different focus than ever before. I was FORCED to slow myself down- to find myself again in my most simple form. Some days, all I could do was sit outside and play fetch with my black lab. At first, I felt totally worthless, meaningless, like I was wasting my mortality. With the help of Dr. F and her amazing perspective, I began to value my down time. I began to value the simple beauties in life, the things that I had become too busy to even notice. I also had to learn to love myself INTERNALLY. I no longer had my work achievements to make me feel good or proud, I didn't have my athletic abilities to excel at because I wasn't allowed to exercise. It seemed that all the areas that fed my self esteem were stripped away from me. Dr. F had me dig, and I mean DIG, inside myself to find the INTERNAL things, the lasting things, that I truly LOVE about myself and that make me proud to be me.
Husband and I have this cheesy little thing we do. Whenever he tells me, "I LOVE YOU..." I ask him, "WHY?"He then proceeds to tell me WHY he loves me that day. It's been a different reason, every time I ask, for over four years. Back in January 2010, Husband and I were having dinner together at one of my favorite restaurants.
Husband and I have this cheesy little thing we do. Whenever he tells me, "I LOVE YOU..." I ask him, "WHY?"He then proceeds to tell me WHY he loves me that day. It's been a different reason, every time I ask, for over four years. Back in January 2010, Husband and I were having dinner together at one of my favorite restaurants.
"I love you." The words slid out of his mouth so naturally, so easily.
Are they habitual?? Before... I felt worthy hearing those words from him. I was proud to be the recipient.
He squeezed another lime into his water, making circular motions with his black straw. He had one eye on me, and one eye on the basketball game playing on the big screen TV.
His words: "I LOVE YOU...." echo repeatedly in my brain. I take a bite of my BBQ chicken salad. I chew. And, I revisit, again, his words: "I LOVE YOU".
I stare at him from across the booth. His brown eyes are framed with ridiculously long, curly eyelashes. (So long, that when he was little, they would get 'tangled', so he would cut them craft scissors. TANGLED? Seriously?? Who's eyelashes tangle?? ha!) He wears thickly rimmed black glasses- they make him look sophisticated. His hair is shaved off and he looks sexy that way. I love his face- the shape, his features, his teeth, his smile... all of it. Through his sweater, I can see his muscular chest, back and arms- but he doesn't think twice about those things- which I love. When he moves, the air picks up his cologne and even still, when I smell it, I get butterflies. I sat, taking him in, all of him... as his words, "I love you" continue to echo through me. I know why he loved me THEN.. because I matched his perfection. I stopped chewing, and pointed my fork at him as I asked him, "WHY?" He lifts his eyebrows as if to ask, "Why what....?" So, I ask again, more specified this time, "WHY... do you love me, RIGHT NOW?"
Are they habitual?? Before... I felt worthy hearing those words from him. I was proud to be the recipient.
He squeezed another lime into his water, making circular motions with his black straw. He had one eye on me, and one eye on the basketball game playing on the big screen TV.
His words: "I LOVE YOU...." echo repeatedly in my brain. I take a bite of my BBQ chicken salad. I chew. And, I revisit, again, his words: "I LOVE YOU".
I stare at him from across the booth. His brown eyes are framed with ridiculously long, curly eyelashes. (So long, that when he was little, they would get 'tangled', so he would cut them craft scissors. TANGLED? Seriously?? Who's eyelashes tangle?? ha!) He wears thickly rimmed black glasses- they make him look sophisticated. His hair is shaved off and he looks sexy that way. I love his face- the shape, his features, his teeth, his smile... all of it. Through his sweater, I can see his muscular chest, back and arms- but he doesn't think twice about those things- which I love. When he moves, the air picks up his cologne and even still, when I smell it, I get butterflies. I sat, taking him in, all of him... as his words, "I love you" continue to echo through me. I know why he loved me THEN.. because I matched his perfection. I stopped chewing, and pointed my fork at him as I asked him, "WHY?" He lifts his eyebrows as if to ask, "Why what....?" So, I ask again, more specified this time, "WHY... do you love me, RIGHT NOW?"
He looks me in the eyes, his hand fits over mine. He smiles, and he says, "I love you right now... because you're in a rut. You always find a way to get out of your ruts and you always come out on top."
I am quiet, because that isn't the answer I wanted to hear. But, it's the truth. And... the best part is, it's okay. He smiled at me again, as he shoved a piece of a pizza in his mouth. Normally, it would be disgusting, but when he eats sloppily, it's adorable, and oddly, attractive. He senses the reason for my silence, and he goes on,
"What I love most right now Grayce, is that you're in a rut and I'm more in love with you than ever."
He and I then began, together, to name the good qualities that I still possess even though I am in a "rut".
"Being in a rut is not a bad thing..." he continues. And, as he continues, I can't help but smile from the outside - in because he is my team, the one I get to do life with. Instantly, I know I'm worthy of his "I love yous.." regardless if I gleaming in 'perfection' or stuck in a 'rut.'
xx: Grayce
I am quiet, because that isn't the answer I wanted to hear. But, it's the truth. And... the best part is, it's okay. He smiled at me again, as he shoved a piece of a pizza in his mouth. Normally, it would be disgusting, but when he eats sloppily, it's adorable, and oddly, attractive. He senses the reason for my silence, and he goes on,
"What I love most right now Grayce, is that you're in a rut and I'm more in love with you than ever."
He and I then began, together, to name the good qualities that I still possess even though I am in a "rut".
"Being in a rut is not a bad thing..." he continues. And, as he continues, I can't help but smile from the outside - in because he is my team, the one I get to do life with. Instantly, I know I'm worthy of his "I love yous.." regardless if I gleaming in 'perfection' or stuck in a 'rut.'
xx: Grayce
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