It's amazing that the things I struggle with as an adult, showed up in smaller ways in my childhood. I've always felt like there were two sides to me. The "healthy, normal" me and the "worried, anxious" me. I was an energetic, carefree child in once sense, but on the inside I had a lot of worries and anxiety. I worried about everything from getting hepatitis to getting kidnapped. Until I was 13 I had a sleeping bag set up next to my parents bed because I couldn't get the thought of getting kidnapped out of my head. Looking back, I really wish my mom would have taken me to a doctor back then or someone I could talk to that could help me sort out my thoughts.
One thing I never struggled with in my childhood was eating disorder. That didn't show it's ugly head until I was 17. I grew up dancing and being around girls that were obsessed with their bodies and that was not a good environment for me to be in. I remember thinking I needed to be "perfect", that included eating perfectly, getting perfect grades, exercising perfectly, following my church perfectly, ect.... It took me a total of 4 months to go from 110 lbs to 75 lbs. then I was admitted to the hospital where I was "scared" into getting "better". I've never let myself get that sick again, but it's an ongoing battle, affecting me more or less depending on what's going on in my life.
I remember when I was about 22 I started having weird thoughts that seemed to come out of nowhere. I remember being so afraid that I wouldn't believe in God anymore or I'd have bad thoughts about church. It really scared me. But, those thoughts eventually went away.
The next time I started having obsessive thoughts was when I was about 24. They became so scary and I literally thought I was going crazy. My thoughts were overtaking me. I would pray to God that I'd get cancer or have a limb taken off, as long as these thoughts would go away. The thoughts would come and go and vary in intensity, but in May of 2007 while I was on a walk with my mom, I completely broke down. I bawled to her, saying that I'd rather die than feel the way I was feeling. I think this really scared her, because I had masked my problems so well. The next day she called my therapist who I'd seen for eating disorder and got me an appointment that day. That visit was such a relief to me. Dr. F said that I was not going crazy and I wasn't an evil person, I was suffering with major anxiety and panic and OCD. Of course this visit didn't cure me, but it did give me the hope that I could get better. I got an appointment with a psychiatrist and I was put on Risperdal and Zoloft. They have a huge help to me, they got me out of the hole I was in and made it seem like this was something I could deal with.
I wanted to start this blog because it's such a lonely out of control feeling to feel like you're going through these things. I obviously am not "cured", but I have come so far and think I've learned some very important things that I'm excited to share on this blog.
-JADE
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