... "I FEEL.... WIERD"...

... That was the only way I could describe to people how I was feeling: "I FEEL... WEIRD". It started shortly after my heart surgery. I started feeling almost like I wasn't present in my own body. I could say and do all the right things, but it felt like I wasn't really there. It felt like I was totally out of control- although, I was in control. I could control EVERYTHING I said, did, etc. The feeling got stronger and worse when I was in crowds, especially if Husband wasn't with me. Sometimes, the feeling was so strong, it would cause me to panic and to feel that I was going crazy- like I wasn't really a person. Sometimes, it got so bad, that I would go look in the mirror to make sure that I was still ME. I know... it sounds totally crazy. This was the beginning of my Panic Disorder, but I had NO idea what was wrong with me. Until... Dr. F explained to me that I was experiencing DEPERSONALIZATION- which, she told me, is VERY common among those who suffer from anxiety/panic disorder. When I described my symptoms to my Psychiatrist, Dr. P, he also told me that I was experiencing DEPERSONALIZATION. I can't tell you how WONDERFUL it felt to finally understand WHAT I was feeling, that I wasn't crazy.



WHAT IS DEPERSONALIZATION, YOU ASK??? I found this information on the Internet that I think best describes it:



Derealization and Depersonalization are both 'Dissociative disorders' and sufferers of one can experience the other.
First of all, understand this - Depersonalization and Derealization are completely normal symptoms of anxiety disorder. Although very disturbing at times, they are completely harmless, think of them as a daytime dream. They DO NOT mean that you have any other condition, a mental illness or that you are going mad - they are just more anxiety symptoms.


Depersonalization
A change in an individuals self-awareness such that they feel detached from their own experience, with the self, the body and mind seeming alien.


Depersonalization is a symptom of an anxiety disorder and not a stand alone condition. How do we know this? Because depersonalization cannot exist without anxiety BUT anxiety can exist without depersonalization.
In each and every depersonalization sufferer that we have treated, as we have eliminated the anxiety, the depersonalization disappears completely.
Depersonalization is caused by a shift in the part of the brain that provides us with a 'real' awareness of our environment; this part of the brain is directly linked to the Amygdala, the organ in the brain responsible for anxiety.
Terms commonly used to describe the symptoms and sensations of Depersonalization:
unreal
disembodied
divorced from oneself
apart from everything
unattached
alone
strange
weird
foreign
unfamiliar
dead
puppet-like
robot-like
acting a part
'like a lifeless
two dimensional
'cardboard' figure
made of cotton-wool
having mechanical actions
remote
automated
a spectator
witnessing ones own actions as if in a film or on a TV program
not doing one's own thinking
observing the flow of ideas in the mind as independent.

Derealization


A change in an individuals experience of the environment, where the world around him/her feels unreal and unfamiliar.
Unlike depersonalization which effects the perception of oneself, derealization is a change in an individual's experience of their environment, where the world around him/her feels unreal and unfamiliar.
Again, derealization, like depersonalization, is caused by a change in the way senses perceive our surroundings due to sensitized, anxious, nerve signals reaching the brain. Derealization is completely harmless but can be very disturbing. The more you give derealization credibility, the longer it stays with you. As anxiety levels are reduced, derealization disappears.
Terms commonly used to describe the symptoms and sensations of Derealization:
spaciness
like looking through a gray veil
a sensory fog
spaced-out
being trapped in a glass bell jar
in a goldfish bowl
behind glass
in a Disney-world dream state
withdrawn
feeling cut off or distant from the immediate surroundings
like being a spectator at some strange and meaningless game
objects appear diminished in size
flat
dream-like
cartoon-like
artificial; objects appear to be unsolid, to breathe, or to shimmer
"as if my head were inside a Coke bottle and I'm viewing the world through the thick glass at the bottom" (information found on: http://www.panic-anxiety.com/depersonalization-derealization/).



When my anxiety/panic disorder was at it's worst, I would feel depersonalized most of the time. Since beginning treatment though- both Cognitive Behavior Therapy and Medication- I have seen a drastic improvement. I still feel it, sometimes quite often, but it's my reaction to it that's changed. I now know that it can't hurt me, that it's only anxiety. I have learned to go on with my moments despite feeling "weird" or not. I keep telling myself: I AM ME. What I am feeling is only depersonalization because I am anxious right now. It's okay. It'll go away, it always does.



I thought it important to post this information on this blog, because I think there are many anxiety sufferers who may feel this way, but don't know what it is, nor do they know how to describe it in order to get help for it.

Here's to CHOOSING life!!

xx-Grayce